Silently Surviving

“O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”

The sun is out for another brief visit. Hurray!

Well, last night the Ki Society was having their annual Dojo Cleaning Day (evening), so there was not any actual classes going on. All my waiting was in vain, except for the fact that I was able to knock out an entry while I waited, so there’s that. I will go again on January 3rd.

I have my acupuncture appointment today at 2pm, which comes with a mini massage. I’m hoping to get out with my friend Amy for coffee on Saturday or Sunday.

We got the Christmas tree all decorated last night and it looks lovely. Today is the experiment to see how Dylan does with presents under the tree. He is a paper NUT, so I’m not feeling super optimistic. We shall see!

I’m being pushed out the door to go deliver presents so i can come back to the office and we can be sent home…. odd thinking. That’s my boss. go figure.

more later maybe.

There was sun today! When I left my doctor’s office, I stood outside with my eyes closed and my face turned up toward the sun for about 5 minutes. It felt great. Tomorrow I have an acupuncture / massage appt downstairs from my office. Tonight I am going to an introductory class at the Oregon Ki Society.

I am interested in the Ki exercises and breathing most. Maybe I will try the Ki-Aikido if I get started and like it. For now, just Ki classes. Stress reduction. Yes please, and thank you. Did I mention that the classes are held in the building next door to my office and across the street from my school? I sure do like convenience like that. There is a Thursday night class at 7pm every week, and in a few weeks when I start up my classes again, I’ll be across the street until 6:45 anyhow. May as well come pop over here for an hour of learning to harness my energy, right? The difference between coming home an hour later and being out of the house an extra night per week (if i came a different night) is huge. I’ll take the slightly longer day.

I am currently sitting in my car in the parking lot at the Ki class and using my schools wi-fi connection to be online. Gotta love that. I was going to hang out in the library, but though my school is open and faculty are there, the library is dark and shut. Sad panda. On the plus side, I took the moment to run upstairs and check my mailbox for my paper that I was agonizing over. My professor thought it was great and I feel good about that. We didn’t get a grade on them… reflective papers I guess don’t get grades? Anyway, I’m sure I got an A in the class. Here is what my professor wrote on my paper to me: “Thanks for putting so much of yourself into this project Sandi. It shows… and may God bring your vision to pass.”

Oh hey, people are starting to show up here! Awesome! I guess I’ll go inside and see what it’s all about.

My first post on Xanga (way back when) thanked God for Xanax. Again, I say, Thank God for Xanax. And, Wellbutrin. And, Cymbalta. And, my nurse practitioner Maureen who prescribes them. And, my husband for not minding too much about me being a walking pharmacy. Did you hear me rattle as I walked by?

I sobbed in the car on the way home from work today. Great heaving sobs. It’s probably best not to cry and drive at the same time, but I’ve got years of practice and only once have I crashed while crying. Besides, I was 17. Everyone crashes when they are that age, right? Additionally, it wasn’t my fault, but I wasn’t paying attention either.

But about that sobbing. I called my stepmother to invite her to join me for a free introductory class at the Oregon Ki Society. Stress reduction, mindfulness, energy work, movement and meditation together. I am hoping to start taking classes in January, and I thought she might be interested in joining me. We could both use the stress relief. She is helping to care for her family members (sisters, mom) and is worn out and on edge and grieving. I am attempting to reconcile my mother’s declining memory and my youngest daughter’s mental and physical health, and I am worn out and on edge and grieving. I figure she is one of the few people I know right now that can relate to where I’m at and maybe we could help be supportive of each other. But our phone call left me drained and hurting and feeling like crap, and ultimately feeling alone and sobbing. I went through my list of cell phone contacts 3 times trying to think if there was someone i could call and count on to understand. There were a few names that I knew I could call, but it was 5:55 p.m. and I know dinner time isn’t really the best time to call friends up, crying and difficult to understand, while they are trying to sit their families down to eat.

I was sobbing great heaving sobs last night too, in my therapist’s office. Allowing myself to feel the loss and the grieving from these relationships that are dying, have died, was a surprise outburst of tears. I’ve been trying so hard to play them down as not a huge deal, but they are big deals, even if to no one else but me.

I used to call my mom when I was upset and crying. Now I’m crying about my mom, and I can’t even explain to her why exactly, so calling her isn’t going to make anything better. I’m feeling her loss in incremental stages and missing her already. She’s no longer the person I have always known. She’s not “Mommy” anymore. I hate it. And, I’m mad at her for being sick and it’s not her fault and that’s just so wrong and I feel guilty. But, it doesn’t stop me from feeling upset and angry!  And we have no idea what kind of time frame we are looking at for her. I find that frustrating too. I feel like a control freak! Not that I’m not a control freak anyway, but I just feel so out of control and helpless in the face of so many things right now. I can’t list them all here, some of them are just too private or not mine to share. I heard the other day that our degree of happiness can be correlated to the degree to which we feel in control of our lives. So, no wonder I’m depressed. The weather isn’t helping. In fact, I’m quite sure it’s hurting. This year is worse than usual what with the other things going on, but I’m just one large trigger button. The grey skies, the never-ending rain, the lack of daytime hours, it’s just depressing. And I’m not one to really mind rain, so it’s just the whole seasonal darkness thing, along with holiday nostalgia. All of the traditions from my youth are gone. It’s time to make new traditions. I’ll try.

I’m also looking for a support group for family members of / adult children of / caregivers of people with dementia or Alzheimer’s disease. I’ve got some information on a few nearby meetings, but they are all once a month. I was expecting meetings like AA or ACA or Al-anon…. meetings that are available daily or weekly. Once a month!? What the hell are they thinking? My therapist insists however.  I could also use a support group for parents of troubled teenagers or something. I’m heartbroken. I love my husband, I love my kids, my pets, my house, my schooling, my friends, but the pain involved in the loss of these two extremely important relationships is intense and unexplainable to someone who hasn’t gone through it. And why do these things have to be happening at the same time?  Is it too much to ask to only have to deal with one heartbreak at a time? Apparently.  I’m so thankful for the people who love me. And I’m sorry to be putting them through my misery. Yet I’m so thankful for their presence and love and patience.

This too shall pass.

What’s that they say? Lord, please give me patience…. RIGHT NOW! 😉

As Bartles and Jaymes used to say in their infinite wisdom… “Thenk yew fer yer support.” Yep. Thank you.

And, pass the tissue. I might start crying again.

My life has a messy side.

That is, to say, there is a lot of mess in my life. I quite like my part of life… I’m married to a man I love, I have the cutest little loving puppy, a loving kitty (when puppy isn’t around) a good job, I’m taking classes I really enjoy, I’m involved in a small group that is encouraging and challenging and trusting, and I have at least one stepchild that loves me.

It’s just that things all around me seem to be in perpetual chaos.

Currently I’m housebreaking the puppy, taking classes with challenging homework, refinancing the house, dealing with one child bent on apparent self-destruction, and another that I am afraid is putting her heart before her head and going backwards in life in order to be with the person she loves, and a husband that is depressed about his kids (understandably) and about his marriage, which isn’t as happy as he thinks it should be, or as intimate, or something. I don’t know. “If I knew what to tell you, I would, but I don’t.” So, I’m in the dark to a pretty good extent. He just stuffs everything inside.

Phone rang: The youngest has just been dropped off at her mom’s house “to live” because she won’t do what she’s supposed to do, lies about it, isn’t going to school, isn’t doing her homework, and when you ask her why: “I don’t know”. “I don’t care.” then, stonewall. So, her dad can’t deal with this attitude and she’s off to Mom’s for now. Whether he will actually pull her out of school here and make her stay there is hard to say.  Her mom sent the older one to live with us 3 years ago because she couldn’t handle her. Now we’re sending a different one back there because we can’t handle her? What a mess.

Well, it’s time for my small group. I have to go. Please pray for my husband John and for my kids, and for me. I think we all could use it.

Puppy has been a handful. He’s so great but yeah, housetraining sucks. Work has been busy, so I’ve made time tonight to catch up on every Xanga subscription I have. That took about an hour and a half.

Today at school we found that the vast majority of my seminary classmates are also sci-fi / fantasy fans of some sort. Everyone had their favorite flavor of Star Trek and definite views on a variety of sci-fi or fantasy movies and tv shows. I wonder what commonality brings seminary students to science fiction, or science fiction fans to seminary. The Great Unknown? Also there was a significant number of World of Warcraft players there which was interesting too. None of us played on the same server except the husband/wife team in one of my classes. I was kind of surprised by the WoW players.

Also, is it strange that I am pretty consistently drawn to hanging out with people in their late 20s and early 30s? I guess I think of myself as being that age still, even though I’m 41… I feel about ohhhh 28? 30? Something around there. Except that whole “my body is rebelling against me” thing. That feels like I’m about 50. or more.

My first paper is due next week. It’s a reflective paper, so it doesn’t require research, but it does require introspection. I’m a veteran at introspection and keeping a blog certainly helps me keep up on that, but I’m a little unsure about this paper. In any case, i should be writing that this week instead of blogging, so we’ll see if i have time to do both.

That’s all the time I’ve got for now. There’s lots more to say, but I need to get on to doing other things…  like laundry, and cleaning the kitchen, and eating a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich, and snuggling with the pup!

Meet Dylan! (or, Bob Dylan – my husband’s FAVORITE artist) He’s a 4 mos. old purebred Lhasa Apso that came home with us yesterday afternoon. He’s settling in nicely. We originally called him Indiana (Indy) Jones, but it just didn’t seem to suit him. So, we thought and thought and tossed around plenty of names, and eventually settled on Dylan, because he seems to be a very chill kind of guy. He was so mellow the first day I began to wonder if he was sedated! We took him to the vet yesterday evening and she said he’s a beautiful looking dog and very healthy! (yay!)

It’s for parents too.

I’ve known my youngest stepdaughter since she was 4. I’ve loved her as my own daughter for many years now. She moved in with us 3 years ago and I poured my heart out into her. I called her the light of my life, the delight of my heart, the daughter of my heart, to everyone I knew.  I’ve called her my daughter to anyone I talk to about her. And, she has always responded with enthusiastic love back to me. The day wasn’t right if she didn’t get hugs and kisses every morning before I left and every night before bedtime.

I knew that wouldn’t last forever. The teenage years were bound to change things. But, I tried to do everything I could to give her a good family life, a good home to be in, a stable and consistent parent, and be there for her whenever she needed me, and hoped that when the teenage years came that she would see me as someone safe. Someone she could trust and come to with problems or whatever she had on her mind.

It wasn’t totally hopeful thinking. Her older sister moved in the year after she did, and moved in during the middle of her teenaged confusion (just barely 16) and I think didn’t trust me to be there for her, but I was consistent and kept trying and she came around to see me as a safe haven. She loves me and knows I love her and that sometimes we’ll fight but mostly we just like to laugh together and listen when needed.

But I didn’t expect this passive aggressive rejection from my youngest. I’m sure it would be worse to be yelled at but this silence is almost as bad. She’s pleasant to me when she talks to me, but mostly she just doesn’t talk to me, doesn’t want to be around me, removed me from her friends lists online, etc. I know it’s in response to me getting mad and yelling at her, but when someone lies to you over and over, eventually you break. So, I broke. Instead of calmly talking to her about lying and how it affects our relationship as I’ve done before, I got pissed and told her off in no uncertain terms that what she was doing was wrong. I had hit the final straw where I felt like she lied more than she told the truth and I couldn’t trust her anymore.

So, now I have a daughter who doesn’t trust me either. Tit for tat you might say. But it doesn’t feel like that. It feels more like getting stabbed in the back and turning to face my attacker who is smiling at me and pretending not to know what she has done. It’s completely heartbreaking. And, for someone like me whose major fears in life have surrounded abandonment, rejection, and the idea that people leave you and stop loving you when you get angry at them, it’s pushing ALL of my buttons.

To kind of top it all off, her view of her mom is totally idealized. She can do no wrong. I think we’ve been placed into the roles of good mother and evil stepmother. I’m not going to go into it, but let’s just say that her view is a little skewed.  I don’t practice revisionist history. My actions remain consistent, my history remains consistent, and my heart remains consistent. But right now, it’s a little broken, so try not to step on any of the pieces. I’m trying to put it back together and I’l be needing all of them.

The people you love the most are also the people that hurt you the most. Nothing new there, but I am fully reminded of this fact right now.

You Changed Everything
(A song to Jesus)

I wasn’t raised to think this way,
Was taught to question every day.
Every thought and every notion,
Every undefined emotion.
But then You came, and changed my tune
You lived in me, and made me new.

(CHORUS)
You bring me joy, You bring me peace,
You bring my body to my knees,
You came to me, You called my name
You lifted up my voice in praise.
You are the earth, You are the sun,
You are the sky, the Holy one.
You are the song, You are the day,
You are the night, You are the Way.
God, you came and made me sing,
Jesus, You changed everything.

My teachers were so scientific,
Every thing must be specific.
For everything I ever heard
There must be proof, not just your word.
But then You came, and changed the rules
You were in me, and I could choose.

(CHORUS)

Choose to believe or choose to doubt,
Take their word, or throw it out.
Change my heart and change my ways,
A leap of faith, a joyous praise.
Where once my life seemed meaningless,
You changed my life, and now it’s blessed.

(CHORUS)

For those who can’t see You in me,
I know they think I’ve gone crazy.
“God is for the stupid masses,
Those who cannot pass their classes.”
But You chose me to spread your news
and I am speaking out for You.

(CHORUS)

© 2007 Sandra Adams

The O.J. Simpson “Side Show” is back, as reported on by CNN. I believe that it’s not really a question in the public’s mind of whether he’s actually guilty of this rather minor (in the full scheme of things), petty act of robbery of his own sports memorabilia. (He says it was stolen, they say it was purchased. He says he was getting it back, they say they were kidnapped and robbed at gunpoint.) Does it matter? Do we care? The “victims” involved have criminal historys of larceny, arson, stalking, etc. They have it all on audiotape from the hotel room where the meet-up was held.  (And seriously, why the hell wouldn’t they use videotape if they were worried in the first place??)

I believe that the general public doesn’t give a crap whether he’s guilty or not. They (we) believe he got away with murder in 1994/1995! I think the general public just wants to see O.J. found guilty, to see him serving time because HE’S DUE.  I remember watching the verdict being read in 1995. I worked in an office with no TV (normal i think.) and everyone from the four offices on our floor was huddled around this little 13-inch TV in one of our neighboring offices to see the end of this debacle. The shock on everyone’s faces and the cries of “NO WAY” echoed down the hall as the verdict came in “Not Guilty”. 100% of us thought he was guilty. I read a poll on CNN about “do you think OJ is guilty of this (new) crime” and some huge majority said yes…. in the 80-20% range. My supposition is that most of the 80ish % that said yes, DON’T KNOW, DON’T CARE, and HAVEN’T EVEN LOOKED INTO THE EVIDENCE for this crime, because those 80ish% believe he was guilty of murder and got away with it because he had enough money to buy his way out, and they want him to do some time. In fact, I’m sure plenty of them want him to get tossed in prison with a life sentence, and some others want him to see the downside to the death penalty. (The downside being the dead side). Actions have consequences, and evil actions have harsh punishments. The point is, they want him to stop getting away without a penance and see him be punished.

I know I do! Now, I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to say that God will judge him, and it’s not our duty or our business to judge him. But, I think human nature is judgmental, even when we try not to be that way. My first reaction was “YEAH! GIVE HIM THE AXE!!!”

So, what about you? What’s your opinion?