Update on my health, if you’re interested, if not, please carry on! (TL;DR: Surgery 9/19/18, I’m scared, but determined!)

September 19, 2018. That’s the date I’ll be going in for surgery. I’ll be having bilateral mastectomies with delayed reconstruction. My surgery will begin at approximately 4:30pm, and then I’ll be staying the night in the hospital.

I’m at peace with my decisions about treatment, but I’m pretty scared. I’m scared of quite a few things… 

I’ll be honest, I’m mostly scared of pain. I already have a bum knee and a bum foot on different legs, so mobility is occasionally an issue for me already. I hear that I’ll be unable to lift my arms for a week or two, that just walking to the bathroom will be difficult.

I’m also scared of how my body will look, even after reconstruction, and how that will make me feel. I’m scared of how I will feel about my body’s less than sexy scars and new dimensions.

I’m scared that I’ll gain *more* weight. I know the typical picture in my head of a cancer patient is that they lose weight, but commonly breast cancer patients will gain weight.

I’m scared that the surgeon will find more cancer. I’m scared that if that happens, I will be told they want me to do chemotherapy. I don’t think poisoning my entire body is a good idea. I don’t think the benefit is always worth the misery of chemo. It would have to be a really big difference for me to do that. I’m scared that I’ll have to fight everyone for the right to make that decision.

I’m scared that I’ll get lymphedema (a common after effect.) This is a swelling in the arms from extra fluid in the area that can be very painful and not good for you.

I’m scared that I won’t be able to do my job for awhile and that I’ll drop the ball on something important. I’m the office manager of a small engineering firm and there isn’t any other purely support staff. Everyone else is either an engineer or a drafter, not trained office support personnel. I think it will be okay, but the idea of things not working out like I think they will definitely scares me.

I’m (minorly) scared that the financial impact will be difficult to take, as we get hospital bills and my hours at work are reduced. We are in the extremely fortunate position of having enough money to get by without scrimping. We can go out a lot (a fact I’m sure does not go unnoticed) and take a vacation every once in awhile. If I were to lose my job and my health insurance, well… that wouldn’t be good.

I am really missing my mom right now. The love and support from everyone is really fantastic and I’m so very grateful! But still… I miss my mom. I miss her hugs. I miss her never-wavering support. She wasn’t always the best at being a mom… I don’t think my parents really wanted kids… but she was a good mom, after I became an adult and I didn’t need her for things like, you know, *survival*. She believed in me and was super supportive of me! She thought I was brilliant and funny and kind! And that’s what I thought of her too! I do try to be those things. It doesn’t *always* work. She’s still alive but living in a memory care center and she doesn’t know who I am, and isn’t really verbal anymore. Just a word here and there. Last summer she was in the hospital for a couple of days and I spent many hours there with her. She said “I like you” to me with a smile. I cried as I smiled back and told her that I liked her too, very much. So yeah, missing her right now.

Despite all these fears, I am determined to try my best to be courageous and face these obstacles head on. I am determined not to let this disease define me. I am determined to live my best life, for as long as I can, which should be a long time. I’m only 52. Lots of life left to live, places to visit, people to love, and memories to be made!

Thanks again to everyone reading this and thinking of me and praying for me and sending me encouraging messages. I treasure them all!