Monthly Archives: July 2008

Update to the Update: Good News!

Good news!! It’s not cancer! Bad news… we don’t know what it is, but it’s something. Good news… surgery should clarify things that the CAT scan didn’t. Bad news…. well, I guess I can’t think of anything else bad about it, just that it’s still some kind of weird lump or growth or something in my dad’s bladder or colon. The mind naturally wants to skitter away from thinking about either of those particular areas, so I’ll leave it at that.

Thank you for your prayers!



p.s. I didn’t say it was a GOOD poem, merely the current result of me thinking about poetry and about God.

I was thinking about poetry and about God


I am in the breath,
In the wind,
In the water,
And the drop.

I rise with the air,
With the sun,
With the trees,
And the leaves.

My cry is to the sky,
To the earth,
To the fire,
And the flame.

I am within time,
Within space,
Within sight,
And without form.

I am who is left,
Who lives on,
Who meets God,
And His angels.

I will sing your story,
Sing your kindness,
Sing your failings,
And your life.

I am the soul,
The unspoken,
The unbidden
And the beloved.



I just talked to my stepmother, a phone call I was frankly frightened to make.

She says the initial doctor said it was bladder cancer, but they just got back from seeing the urologist who says that even though there is a sizable growth on the X-Ray, it hasn’t been biopsied yet, we don’t know it’s cancer, and the first doctor should not have been saying such a thing. (Not the normal doctor he sees.) So, I’m feeling a bit like I have been on one of those amusement park rides that just shakes you up and down and spins you around and at the end you are nauseous and stumbling.

She will now be going to all my dad’s appointments, similar to how i go to all my mom’s… because the right information doesn’t get transferred or conveyed, to the doctor or to the patient’s family.

I’m pissed off at the first doctor, and relieved that my dad isn’t sounding as inclined to give up just yet, and yet I’m still worried.

And, my sister is still in the dark. My stepmom will wait til they know something further.

I just want to sleep for awhile.


If They Come In Threes, What Is Next?

Two days ago my dad called. He has bladder cancer. Prognosis unknown until further tests have been run. I’m one of those women who still call their fathers “Daddy”. I’m not really a Daddy’s Girl (I wish), but Dad never felt intimate enough. I forced myself to call my mother Mom instead of Mommy in my 20’s.  I can’t talk about it much yet, I’m a little in shock. He isn’t the most healthy guy by a long shot. I’m not sure he’ll make it, even if it wouldn’t be a killer otherwise. He needs to make it for my stepmom. My brother and I have our own families now, we can cope. My stepmother however has every single person in her family sick with cancer practically. She has two sisters and a mom and an ex-husband (my stepsister’s dad) and now a husband all with cancer. Two of them are “actively dying” (that’s a strange concept). She does not want to tell my stepsister about MY dad yet because HER dad is dying and my sister lives far from any family and gets overwhelmed easily. I feel like she’s going to be mad and resentful about not being told right away. But, what do I know?

Anyway, and last week the news about my mom….  So, what’s next?

Also, I just transitioned off some medication and I’m going through some icky withdrawal symptoms, mostly jittery and dizzy. I’m going to call my nurse practitioner about it tomorrow. There is no lower dose available and they aren’t tablets that you can take half of, they are capsules, but maybe I should go to every other day or something. The way I feel right now there is no way I am going to work on Monday (tomorrow), and I’ve already had the last 3 days off plus the weekend for vacation, so that’s not a great thing. Either I’ll get way behind, or someone else will try to do my work and mess it all up, meaning I’ll have to fix it all. Gah.

On that note, I think I need to go lie down.  Your prayers are welcomed.