I am in
                L I M B O . . . .

waiting,

for something,

some thing,

someone,

to help me.

Does life ever make sense?

I need a break.

Cirque de Soleil’s Delirium was simply AMAZING and WONDERFUL !
 
That is all.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:6-7

It is simply amazing how this works sometimes. I feel a peace I haven’t felt in weeks, maybe months.

All this worry and fear about DH’s being gone and the SS being home and possibly causing trouble? Gone.

I believe that God doesn’t want me to be so fearful and worried about an unlikely, but possible, incident. I believe that God wants me to feel calm and at peace, and trust that He will be there for me.

Part of a song we sang in my smallgroup this week:  Here’s my Pride, I lay it down. Here’s my Fear, I lay it down. Here’s my Life, I lay it down. I surrender it all to You, I let go and give it to You. This was exactly what I needed to do. Then last night in my bible study I realized that, for me, I really need to be reading the Bible, at least a few minutes if not many, daily in order to feel close to God. And when I don’t feel close to God, when I don’t feel beloved of Jesus, I allow the enemy’s lies in and let them fester in my mind.

So last night I spent about a half hour in the Word, going over the Lord’s Prayer and dissecting what each part means, and how it models prayer. What petitions does it make and what petitions do I myself make. I slept so well.

Sanctification is such a slow process sometimes, and then BOOM big changes, and then lots of low, coasting time, where not much happens. I love those moments when my brain blossoms and says “Ohhhhhhhh! I get that!”

Speaking of God, it seems completely impossible these days to read the news without cringing about what the Republican political party is doing now to make a MOCKERY of Christ’s mission. It makes me ill. I know that it’s not reasonable to believe that all Republicans are a) Christians, and b) making Christians look like idiots if they are, but it sure seems like it. Not that I’m all that thrilled with the Democrats these days either, but at least they seem to follow the mandate: feed the poor, care for the children and widows, house the homeless, and, if they are Christians, do not make a big show of your faith but do it quietly, only for the Father. The people that make a big show of their religion and their piety and their good works have “received their reward in full.” according to the book of Matthew. I’d like to receive my reward from Jesus. When he asks me to account for my life, I don’t want to be left with an open mouth and nothing to come out, because there is nothing worth accounting for.

But I don’t want to make a big deal about my faith either. I’d rather live my life as an example of a faithful follower of Christ than bend people’s ears with the Good News. I’d rather my life would be one that other people look at and say “I want that. What does she have that I don’t have?”. Because, that’s how I found Christ, and no amount of talking and persuading would influence me until then. I hated Christians for all the shoving down the throat of their beliefs. So, I try hard not to be one of those types of people that I hated. Generally I feel that my faith is something to be shared when asked for or if I feel especially led to share with someone, but otherwise just lived out. And God knows I fall down on the job at the “living out” of my faith on a regular basis. God’s grace and mercy are the Good News to me. When I’ve screwed up again, his grace and mercy are sufficient to forgive me. He is the God of second chances. (And third, and fourth, and fifth, and sixth, and seventh…. you get the idea.)

I know I don’t normally talk about God (or politics for that matter) in my posts, but today it seemed imperative to give some glory back to God for the peace I am feeling right now.

So, he’s going.  He’s going to be working a long ways away (i thought it was 2 hours but it’s more like 4)  from Monday until late Thursday, and come back for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, only to drive back down there on Monday early morning.

My adamant plea that the SS can’t stay in the house if I am going to be the only adult there falls on deaf and uncaring ears. If I feel that my safety is an issue than I can find other living arrangements for 3 nights a week. So much for having an equal say in things.

I feel absolutely and completely devalued. I’ve become less than a person I guess. Certainly less than a wife, an equal partner in this thing called marriage.

Today the SS reprogrammed a calculator at school that was going to be projected onto a screen on the wall for the whole class to look at. He changed “List One” to read “F U C K”.  Now isn’t that special? Yeah, that guy doesn’t need any parenting.

Speaking of that i just want to scream FUCK FUCK FUCK right now. And, I’m really not a swearer. Just sometimes it’s the only thing that expresses the fervor of my anger. I need a ton of Xanax and a lot of prayer.

I miss my big boy kitty. Desperately.  He was always good for some loving and comforting. I love you Nigey. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you!

/cry /cry /cry

The stepson’s algebra teacher called today and left a message on the home machine regarding “an incident” with him. I wonder what that means, and how much I really want to know….  called her back and left a message with my work number. I’d have given her DH’s number but he’s out doing his interview thing for the subcontracting job 2 hours away. Maybe this will prove my point that he needs PARENTING?!

*sigh*

I don’t usually watch much TV but I got sucked into couch mode for awhile this weekend with the DD and DH to watch “What Not To Wear”. That show cracks me up. God FORBID I ever get selected for it though. I mean, $5,000 for clothes and a week in NY with professionals telling me what works for me and what doesn’t, and having my hair and makeup sounds great, but NOT with it being broadcast for the whole country, thank you. Besides, I always wonder, what does the person who goes on there do when they are left with like… 5 outfits and no casual clothes, and what happens when something is ruined and they can’t afford to go buy another piece that works like that one on them, not to mention I’ll bet most of those things aren’t washable, so now they have to pay for dry cleaning. I can’t see how that would work for some of these people at all. But omigoodness, Stacy and Clinton are a riot! Snarrrrrky, but nice. I don’t want to be on the other end of their judgements!

Went through the wardrobe finally, as I’d been saying I was going to, in order to weed out more clothing that I’m either not going to fit into anytime in the near future, or stuff that I just don’t seem to wear for whatever reason. Some things are hard to part with for sure. Like, my gorgeous double-breasted suit in light beige wool crepe or whatever it is that is a size 12 P. I’m just not likely to see that number again for a long time, if ever. I passed it on to the DD in case she ever needs a nice suit for an interview. It looks great on her. But oh wow, saddening for me. And some clothing has some sentimental value, but seriously, that doesn’t mean I need to cart it around from house to house and have it taking up room in my closet. So, out go some more things. And the “but it’s such a great buy” stuff that just didn’t really work on me. I’ve ordered a few new items from Coldwater Creek (I love that store) including two patterned skirts and (unpatterned) tops to go with them, and a nice looking top that should look awesome with black pants or a skirt. Figured I’d better make a little room in the old overcrowded closet for them. Now I just hope they fit!

Went to Dream Dinners this weekend and made 20 meals, with help from DH, in 1.5 hours. w00t! That place just makes life so much simpler, as long as we can remember to take it out of the refrigerator to thaw >.< (squinchy face).

DH not very happy with me spending so much time on the computer playing my game, which is semi-hysterical to me, but mostly frustrating. Now that he’s pulled himself away from the computer after ohhh 7 years, it’s now not so okay for me. “So because I made a mistake for years about something, that makes it okay for you to do now?” was actually said to me. Uhhhhhh…. who are you again? You look familiar, but gee, you’ve spent the last 7 years spending 100% of your free time with your nose in the computer screen, I’m not certain who you are. Before he started playing games on the computer he was completely addicted to TV, and that seems to be happening again. What’s the difference? TV or Computer, it’s still a substitute for human interaction. I don’t care much for TV and I’m not used to him wanting me to be available. Now, I happen to like playing my game very much thank you, and since I don’t want to watch TV I’m going to continue playing it. Ask me to go for a walk, a cup of coffee, a drink, go out for a date, but not to watch TV, go see a movie, or drive with you to and from picking up kids that live 45 minutes away and I’ll get to listen to talk radio (which i hate) or the baseball game (not so bad) the whole way and endure an uncomfortable at best ride home because people are tired and cranky.

Where do we go from here?

Right now I’d like to curl up on my bed with my kitty and my down blankie and take a nice nap. I’m so tired and stressed. My adrenals are completely burned out.   I just need a break. A real one.  /cry.

It feels like I have writer’s block, as if I had too much jumbling around inside my head to make sense of any of it and write it down. I *know* I need to be writing, my brain can get that far, but I don’t know what I need to be writing *about*.

Four days in a row I’ve had heartburn. I can’t remember the last time I had heartburn. Probably a couple of years or so. What’s the deal? I have to admit I think my weight gain is to blame. I MUST lose weight, but I can’t seem to say no to my ice cream and candy and donuts and such. I am beginning to hate food. I wish I could just eat what is healthy for me to eat and not want anything more. I have a friend who used to be bulimic and it sounds like a complete nightmare, but sometimes I find myself wishing I could just eat what I want and then get rid of it without it being processed through the body. Food occupies WAY too much of my thought processes through the day. What are we going to eat for dinner, what do I want for dessert, do we have any chocolate in the office, did anyone bring donuts? Ooh I can have a bowl of cereal if I am still up at 11:30! And so on, and so on. If only food didn’t taste good, and satisfy some strange emotional need I have to “treat” myself.

To my darling daughter: this is confidential information for the rest of the house, please use discretion.

DH goes on Monday to talk to some people at a place 2+ hours away about a possible extended assignment. He doesn’t know the time frame… it could be for 4-6 weeks or it could be for like… six months. This would mean he would be staying down there during the week and coming home at the weekend. I’ve already told him that the 15 year old stepson living at our house while he is gone is not an option to my mind. Not even for “just a month”, but no way is hubby going to send him to his mother’s to live for just one month, necessitating a switch in schools, etc. So, to me this extended assignment is a moot point. He can’t take it. But he wants us to “discuss” it this weekend. 15-year old needs a PARENT, which I am not and never will be to him. He closed that door many many years ago. Additionally, he is now bigger and stronger than I am. Hubby scoffs that he would do anything to me, but I say you never know what someone will do, and without supervision and him being a very angry guy inside, I don’t feel safe. I should feel safe in my own home! The older of the DD’s is more than welcome to be there with me, we have fun and get along great. The younger of the DD’s is already living with her mom, so that’s not a problem.

My therapist says that DH leaving me to be the adult supervision in the house for the stepson is NOT AN OPTION given my feelings of safety and the fact that he exudes hostility and an “i don’t give a shit” attitude about everything already. It’s already like living in an atmosphere of hostility, and that’s when DH is there to be a buffer. Usually I have to leave the room when the stepson does something that makes me angry or I will be overly tempted to go off on him. He’s just a little jackass. God knows I tried to be a good stepmom to him, but he has never given an inch and I doubt he will. When we aren’t around he talks to his sisters with rude and crude language, telling them to piss off and fuck off. He can’t walk by one of them without shoving into them, and he looks for opportunities to annoy them at all times. All when we are not watching of course. Not to mention the disobeying of rules about computer usage when he thinks we won’t notice. He gets caught doing stuff a lot which leads me to wonder if we are missing most of it and he does these things every day or if we usually catch him, and how stupid can you get if you get caught all the time and yet still keep doing the shit that gets you in trouble? “A fool is a person who does the same thing over and over, expecting a different result” Last week we found a stash of porn on his NEW computer in a “hidden” folder… meaning it wasn’t viewable on a scan of the computer, but all it took was clicking two levels into a folder ON HIS DESKTOP to see it. Does he think we’re idiots or is he just a moron? That question is up in the air. Consequences have no effect on him that I can see. Aaaargh!

DH is off to see the Nurse Practioner for Mental Health in regards to antidepressants. What he’s taking now is not doing the damn job. Not by a long shot. When I ask him what he’s going to do about his son, his response should NOT be…”what do you want me to do? there is nothing i can do. Nothing I say makes a difference.”. C’mon now, that’s just ridiculous. You’re his father, think of something! But he can’t, he feels hopeless and helpless.

From the online Merriam-Webster dictionary:
Main Entry: hope·less
Pronunciation: 'hO-pl&s
Function: adjective
1 a : having no expectation of good or success : DESPAIRING b: not susceptible to remedy or cure c : incapable of redemption or improvement
2 a : giving no ground for hope : DESPERATE : incapable of solution, management, or accomplishment : IMPOSSIBLE
synonym see DESPONDENT
– hope·less·ness noun

Main Entry: help·less
Pronunciation: 'hel-pl&s; Southern often 'hep-l&s also 'he&p-
Function: adjective
1 : lacking protection or support : DEFENSELESS
2 a : marked by an inability to act or react <the crowd looked on in helpless horror : not able to be controlled or restrained <helpless laughter>
– help·less·ly adverb
– help·less·ness noun

Learned Helplessness: The feeling that one has no control over one’s situation and that whatever one does is futile. Environments in which people experience events in which they feel or actually have no control over what happens to them, such as repeated failure may tend to foster learned helplessness. An apathetic attitude stemming from the conviction that one’s actions do not have the power to affect one’s situation.

I used to feel this way most of the time. Medication can be a wonderful thing. I am just praying that he will have a positive response to the medication she gives him and that it becomes efficacious sooner than later!!

Lastly, the younger DD emailed us this week asking if she could move back in with us. We’ve told her that she cannot do so at this time. She needs to give things more time at her mom’s. My stress level went off the chart when I read her email because I thought DH would say okay. Thankfully, he did not. We agreed on the entire situation and reasoning, which was a welcome relief. She’s a wonderful girl, but she CANNOT get her emotional needs met at our house. It’s just not going to happen, and we’ll end up back where we were last year with her being uber depressed and screaming at us. No thank you, I’ll pass. She admits she’s having her emotional needs met by her mom, so in our opinions, that is where she needs to be. That is the number one important thing. The schools aren’t as good where she is, I’ll admit that. But I think they are “good enough”, she’s a smart girl, she will learn what she needs to learn outside of school if it comes to that. Her mom should just move to our school district and solve the problem, seriously. Of course, our older daughter who refuses to speak to her might not want her so close by. I’d say 5 miles would be a good distance… say the other end of town. Just far enough away that no one will be storming out of the house saying “I’m going to my mom’s!” or “to my dad’s!” when they get mad.

Well, that’s enough for now… probably more than enough. 🙂

Since September 28th when I wrote about my DH’s drinking and my conversation with him about it, he has not had more than one glass of wine, and that only on about 3 days, other than the  1 or maybe 2 martini’s he had when we went out for dinner with friends. Nothing to hit my radar so to speak, and it’s been SOOOO great not to be uber-vigilant and feel like I have another kid to watch over.

I have much more on my mind I could write about, but not much more time to write about it. 

Saturday — coughing, can feel it as congestion in my chest.
Saturday night — fever of 101.5, body hurts, breathing hurts
Sunday — more coughing, continued fever, entire body in pain, constantly out of breath.
Monday — fever gone, achiness somewhat gone, thankful no sore throat
Monday afternoon — fever back, body hurts again, sore throat kicking in from coughing myself raw, out of breath again.
Tuesday morning, continued fever (slight: 99.5), chest cavity hurts, i’m sure i have a rib out from coughing, throat is sore and raw, disgusting green stuff coming from my lungs. (Yippeee!) Going to the doctor at 3:15. My ears hurt too, and i’m having trouble breathing without big deep breaths every time.

in other words…. I’m sick, been sick, am sick, gonna be sick for a day or so more.

Hoping not to miss TOO much work. I have two days of sick time currently available, and today is day two i’ve been out. That means that tomorrow if i stay home i’m out on vacation time or time without pay. I think I’m out of vacation time too, so most likely time without pay. JOY.

I would like to take my body to the returns counter and get a new one, this one is broken.