Monthly Archives: January 2008

To grieve before someone dies…

To grieve before someone dies is unseemly I guess. They say you go through all these stages with grief, but I find myself in several stages at once. I cry alot, mostly by myself in the car, or in bed at night before I fall to sleep. I’m angry a lot, just thinking about the ongoing deterioration of my mother’s mind and the difficulty of dealing with her because she forgets or denies she even has a problem. Also she’s begun to say the things she never used to say, the self-edited mental dialog that goes on inside her is seeping through. My mom, the kindest person I know, who taught me to be kind (and it’s generally agreed by others that my kindness is my most outstanding or notable attribute), who always lived by what she preached: “If you don’t have anything nice to say to or about someone, don’t say anything at all”, is now coming out with some real eyebrow-raisers. (I myself live by the same rule, but tend to think along the lines of “If you don’t have anything nice to say about someone, come sit by me.”) In any case, it’s further demonstration of her dementia, and freshly reminds me that the mother I know and love has died. There is now this similar, but oh-so-different in significant ways, person to contend with, and I’m supposed to love her the same as my mother, but she’s not my mother. I feel like I’m supposed to “suck it up” and carry on as though there is no change. But I’m so sad, and so fearful of what is to come. (“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” ~ C. S. Lewis) I feel fragile, as though I’d like to be wrapped in bubble wrap and insulated from the world.

What if one day you woke up and everyone in your life was different? They looked the same, they sounded the same, they had the same experiences with you, but they weren’t familiar to you somehow. Your spouse, your best friend, your child, your co-workers, your neighbor. You know something isn’t right, but don’t know why. Have they been abducted and replaced by aliens? Are you in the twilight zone? The X-files? This is your life, but somehow it’s been turned upside down. Nobody else sees a problem. Everyone denies what you can clearly sense. What then?

What then? What now?


We watched a lot of movies / tv series this holiday season. I’ve already forgotten half of them. However, in an effort to remember these kinds of things, here is a partial list:

  1. The Tin Man – Sci-Fi channel re-imagining of The Wizard of Oz. I loved it. It wasn’t GOOD, but I loved it anyway. Just my kind of thing!
  2. Alien vs. Predator – I have no idea how I ended up watching this movie, but I did watch while I played my game on my laptop and actually enjoyed it for the camp factor. Predator totally kicks Alien’s ass by the way.
  3. The Road to Wellville – a strange, disturbing, smart satire that I didn’t really like in pretty much any way, but I suppose I’m kind of glad to have seen it.
  4. The Baron of Munchausen – a strange, strange movie that I thoroughly disliked the first time I saw it because I was so confused, and this time halfway enjoyed. Go figure.
  5. The Kingdom of Heaven – great stuff there. Liam Neeson, Orlando Bloom, medieval sword fighting, what’s not to like? Well, the enormous amount of blood gushing about wasn’t very likable, but otherwise, quite enjoyable.
  6. Jericho – tv series that is apparently returning to the airwaves in February. Kind of good, kind of bad. Scenario is great. Nuclear bombs have wiped out several major cities in the US, including of course the government seats. Let’s see what happens in one small town (Jericho) far enough outside the blast zone to have survived. And, who is responsible for the nuclear strikes? China? Russia? Iran? Korea? USA? Time will tell.
  7. X-Files – first season. Gotta love the x-files don’t ya know? I mean, if you are a fan of the paranormal anyhow.
  8. Fracture – not impressed
  9. Firefly – TV Series. Haven’t yet seen the movie. LOVE IT! I would describe it as: Outlaws in Space. Fun, fun, fun. Great dialogue!