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Celebrating a minor personal victory, maybe major.
John got all mad at me about something, which if he had paid attention to what I both verbally said and wrote in an instant message, he would have known what to expect, but he didn’t so his expectations were wrong, and I just let it flow right on past me.
i got a little upset that he was rude to me, but i didn’t get flustered that i had upset him, which is how i would normally view it… that i upset him. but no, he upset himself by not paying attention… his problem.
and i didn’t get very upset about him being rude either, still his problem.
in front of me there is a mug that chantelle gave me a couple of years ago… it says:
peace. it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart. and that’s how i feel! woo!
I was a boisterous child, which is a kind word for my wild behavior, known for laughing as much as screaming. I could climb tall trees without fear, jump off the swings at the highest point of the arc screaming with delight, and run faster than anyone else in my class. I wasn’t afraid back then. Then my mom left and everything changed. I became fearful of the great big world outside my door, anxious about upsetting people. “Be a good girl and nobody will leave you. Never yell at people, never get angry!” I plotted fiercely to get my mom and dad back together; we would all move back to Maryland, the magical land of my birth, where I knew everything would go back to normal. I woke up one morning and she was just gone. Why? Where? For how long? What was she doing? Well, I don’t have the answers to any of those questions today, any more than I did at six years old. What I do have is perspective. A word the dictionary defines as a noun meaning: “the interrelation in which a subject or its parts are mentally viewed, …or, the capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance.” That means I can possibly look back and see things in their rightful relationship between event and meaning, and change the beliefs that I developed that day. Beliefs about my worth, about “dangerous” emotions, about who I was in the world and how I fit into it. I can’t ask my mother about what happened anymore. She can’t remember it. In fact, she can’t even remember the day I was born or any of the circumstances surrounding my birth, so the circumstances around the day she left are certainly lost to the ages. I wish she had sat us down before she left to tell us what was going on. If she couldn’t do that, I wish she had left us a letter. She probably thought she was being helpful by leaving without a screaming and crying fit from me to complicate things, but I don’t think she thought things through to make sure we knew that she was coming back. Maybe my brother, being older, knew, maybe he understood what was happening. Maybe my father thought I could understand, but I couldn’t. They might have told me briefly, but they never made sure I understood that she’d be back and that none of it was my fault. So the meaning I assigned to her leaving was that I wasn’t worth loving, that it was my fault for being such a bad girl, and that you must never get angry at people or they might leave, leaving you behind, never to come back. By the way, what kind of mother leaves her kids for a few months without saying goodbye!?!? One that is not well-equipped to be a mother, that is certain. And, as far as I can remember, she never called. Maybe she did, but you’d think I’d remember that. I remember her returning and being scared because I didn’t know if she’d just leave again.
Anyway, here is the letter my mom DIDN’T leave for me and my brother, that I have written in her place, 38 years later. The letter that also could have changed everything, or maybe prevented everything from changing. Either way, it’s the letter I wish we’d received.
Dearest Bobby and Sandy,
I love you both more than you can know! You are so special to me and to Daddy and to everyone who knows you. You are the brightest stars in my life, and you always will be!
I need to tell you a few things. Firstly, I need to tell you that Daddy and I have decided to get divorced. You mustn’t worry! We will always love each of you no matter what happens! There really isn’t anyone to blame or be angry at; sometimes these things just can’t be helped. I know some of your friends’ parents are divorced and it’s hard for them, but we are going to make this as easy as possible for you. Daddy and I don’t hate each other, we just don’t love each other anymore. Neither of us will ever stop loving you, and none of this is your fault whatsoever! There is nothing you could have done to make this be different!
Secondly, I am going to be gone for a little while. I’m not sure how long, maybe a few months, but I PROMISE I WILL COME BACK as soon as I can! I wish I could take you with me, but it’s just not possible right now. You need to stay with Daddy and keep going to school and keep being good students! I’m so proud of you two! When I come back we will figure out where everyone will live, but we will make sure your life is disrupted as little as possible! I promise!
Thirdly, I know your dad will take good care of you while I’m gone. Some of our friends from church might come by to help him sometimes. After all, he’s not used to taking care of you alone! He will do the best he can, and you need to do the best you can to be helpful and show him you love him. Be respectful to him and to any friends of his. Remember, it’s not his fault I’m not there!
Lastly, I will call you on the phone as often as I can. I want to hear all about what you are doing in school and on your weekends. I can’t wait to hear you giggling as you tell me your stories!
Love and kisses forever and ever, Mommy xoxo
Life is pretty good. Hypnotherapy and Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) therapy have begun a change that I didn’t actually think was possible. Reprogramming the unconscious brain makes a huge difference to the conscious brain, . . . who knew? I didn’t believe it would make much difference, but it really has. I thought “this is silly”, but my sleep doctor strongly recommended I give it a try, and she was right. I’m feeling much, much, much better.
Now, if only I could stay home all day every day. If I could do my work from home, I might even like my job. I don’t so much dislike my job as I don’t want to leave home. I want to stay home with my puppies and my kitty and play nice music and enjoy the feeling of being home and being me. I have far more responsibility in my job than I ever wanted, and I get interrupted constantly so getting things done is a challenge. I guess that is the outcome I should be looking for… how I can work from home and still make enough income to adequately contribute to the family expenses.
I’ll be running that through my “outcome frame” and see what I come up with as an action plan. 🙂
Is that how you feel or is that creative writing? Feelings are not facts, though they may sound like truth in your head. Feeling worthless is a feeling I know well, but it isn’t an accurate feeling, not for me and not for you. We are full of worth in someone’s eyes. Just look around you.
You don’t have to lie about how you feel, but you don’t have to take your feelings to be truths about yourself either. I’d rather hear the truth about your thoughts than what you think the right answer will be. We can’t work on solutions without knowing about the problems. Besides, secrets weigh more than anything else ever will. The secrets will take you down with them.
- I wish I was invisible
- I wish I didn’t care what other people thought
- I wish I didn’t have to work
- I wish I didn’t feel so much
- I wish I didn’t pick up other people’s feelings
- I wish I didn’t have to take so many medications just to feel semi “normal”
- I wish my mom would come back from her illness and be her old self
- I wish none of my pets would ever die
- I wish I would stop getting cramps
- I wish I could instantly lose 80 pounds
- I wish I could see my best friends every day
- I wish I would stop being a procrastinator
- I wish I felt like a good friend
- I wish I felt like a good wife
- I wish I was young again, like… in my 20s.
- I wish people I love would never leave
- I wish my heart would never break again
- I wish I didn’t cry so easily
- I wish I just felt better about myself.
My whole life is made up of disappointing people. That’s what I do. I guess I’m not an acceptable person, because I never seem to be accepted as I am. I am never good enough. Never. I am only accepted when I pretend to be something I am not. I’m never going to be that person, and I don’t want to be that person. I should stop worrying about being acceptable to other people, and accept that I am not going to be able to be what they want. It is slowly killing me.
I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t know if I ever knew, but I am sure I don’t know who I am right now. What do I believe? What do I want? What do I think is important? What gives me purpose? What makes me want to go on? What makes it worthwhile to get out of bed in the morning? What makes it worthwhile to wake up at all? I have no idea anymore.
Since I last blogged…..
- We got another puppy. Dylan’s sister from another litter. Her name is Taylor and she’s adorable!
- My husband and I celebrated 7 years of marriage. Happy Anniversary my love!
- I did get a raise, and official status as Office Manager. Hurray! Finally my resume is looking up. I enjoy my job and the people there, but it’s nice to know that if things should change and I needed to leave, I can show enough experience to possibly get a better job than I could have last year.
- My kids turned 16, 18, and the oldest will be 20 next month. Life moves on and so fast. It’s interesting to note that I’ve known them for more than half their lives now. Eleven years!
- I turned another year older and feel okay about it. The forties are a definite improvement over the thirties. Also, my husband turned 40. Happy Birthday!
- I bought a new laptop. It arrives in two days. I almost could not be more excited about it! A custom gaming platform for my World of Warcraft “addiction”! As it’s essentially my only entertainment outlet and expense, this is a big deal to me. Thanks Honey! Happy Birthday to me!
- I bought a new car. Well, new to me… actually 10 years old, but it looks great and runs great and only has 86,000 miles on it. I’ll see if I can get it together enough to post a picture. I just got it last night. A Toyota Camry LE. I know most people don’t aspire to owning a Camry, but I’ve wanted one for a long time. I was supposed to get one when I bought my Toyota Corolla NINETEEN years ago, but the payments were just a little too high and I went down one car level to the Corolla. You’d never know to look at it now, but it was the “Deluxe” version of an economy-sized car, and it made me very happy at the time and got me over the disappointment of not getting the Camry. But now, that car is 19 years old and feeling it. It’s actually in great shape for a car that old, but things are starting to go south. For instance the windows. All the windows except the driver’s window have difficulty rolling up again if you roll them down. There are no power locks or power windows, and so you must hand crank the windows and now they also require guidance and tugging manually into place. It’s also from the days before air bags became standard equipment, so no air bags. Anyway, it’s very exciting for me to have a new ride!
Apparently I don’t have much to say. Or I have too much and it seems too overwhelming to try and get it all down. One of those. I waffle between the two.
It’s a new year, time for new beginnings, blah blah blah. That’s the deal right? I’ve withdrawn from school, due to finances, mostly accidentally. I withdrew from my classes last term, and this term found out that since I hadn’t gone for a “leave of absence”, and hadn’t been enrolled for two terms (?? may classes or summer classes are a term included in this apparently since I was enrolled and finished Spring term.), so I’ve been re-allocated to withdrawn status. All I have to do to re-enroll is fill out a form for readmission, however, I don’t see being able to take a class this term either, so it seems moot. I may or may not try to re-enroll later, but I’m not sure.
I am working full time again as my supervisor got a new job, and I am now doing her job and mine. I’m crash-course learning accounting on the job. The first question every single person asks me is “So, do you get a raise?” or something along those lines. I agree, that’s my first question too. When I asked this question of my bosses I got “Oh, hmmm, I hadn’t thought about it yet” from one, and “Not this month, but we’ll talk about it in the beginning of the year” from the other. The fact that I’m learning on the job did allow for my agreement that my regular pay would be sufficient for this month, even though I’m doing two people’s jobs and have vastly increased responsibility. I pointed this out and said that I did feel increased compensation would be necessary if I were to continue in the position.The fact that my company is in financial hardship is noted, but they also just saved a vast amount of money by losing one overpaid office manager / controller and not hiring a new one in her place. My pay is apparently $18k less per year than hers was. I know this since I am now doing the accounting and payroll, and have access to all of our financial information. Give me a break! We’ll see what happens. I’m cautiously optimistic, but more pessimistic about the tendency toward cheapskatedness that’s inherent in my bosses. Either way, I’m planning to take a couple of short online courses in accounting fundamentals and QuickBooks. It can’t do anything but help, either there or the next job. Since I’ve been there for 6 1/2 years, hopefully it will be there. I like it overall.
What else? We got snowed in for several days just before Christmas, like much of the rest of the country, and that kind of put the kabosh on any last-minute Christmas shopping. Which, for me, meant NO Christmas Shopping. I had decided in August upon being told I would be working half time for the next month or two (or 10) that Christmas was cancelled. I never did quite get out of that mindset. Oh well. I got a beautiful pair of pj’s and the movie wall-e. That works for me. Although, I do have a hankering for getting things to pamper my puppy and kitty. Like, a big tall cat tree with lots of perches and things to play with. They are so expensive though!! Got my puppy a new bed and a raincoat. Yes, a raincoat. When it rains hard, he gets SOAKING wet and that hair of his just sucks it all in and drying him off is difficult, so…. a raincoat it is!
That’s it for now. I’m happy it’s the weekend. 🙂
The people have spoken and this time there is no doubt what was spoken, unlike in 2000. I felt the wrong decision was made then, but eventually I had to accept it, even through my disagreement and distrust. I’m thrilled to live in a country that gives us the freedom to speak up and out and vote our opinions. I just hope that every person who implied I was unpatriotic to criticize President Bush will reconsider that position when they desire to criticize President Obama. Will they refrain from respect to their stated position that it is unpatriotic to criticize the President? Will they be hypocrits who think that supporting only their desired candidate is patriotic? As if somehow a non-Republican is a non-American. Or, will they possibly consider that it might actually be every citizen’s patriotic duty to pinpoint what they see as wrong, even if it is the President, possibly especially the President, now that it’s not the President they wanted. My hope is that we all see that our duty as citizens is not to blindly support our candidate but to think for ourselves and call out what is good and what is bad in turn, without fear of being thrown in jail or being ostracized as a traitor. Blind obedience is ignorance and ignorance is curable. I can’t help but wonder what would happen if Toby Keith were to make negative, denigrating, anti-Obama comments in another country, after Obama is sworn in as President of the United States. Would his fans and “community” see him as a traitor and un-American a la the Dixie Chicks, or would they cheer him on for speaking aloud to the world the same things that they are thinking? Personally my opinion of The Dixie Chicks went way up for speaking their opinions at a time when the political atmosphere called disagreement unpatriotic. Calling disagreement unpatriotic sounds like fascism to me. Last I checked, the United States was still supposed to be a democracy.