Monthly Archives: January 2007

A list of no apparent connections

  1. Life is crazy sometimes.

  2. People are beautiful and annoying as hell.

  3. I haven’t been late to work in 2 or 3 weeks and I’m proud as all get out about it.

  4. I dig Jesus AND I like and respect Melissa. So there!
  5. My youngest daughter apparently walked away mad last night because her dad tried to tell her she was making the mashed potatoes without cooking the potatoes enough. wth?

  6. I had Tree25 listen to one of my pastor’s sermons and she hasn’t said anything to me since….  Coincidence? I hope so.
  7. Listening to Bebo Norman last night really helped to chill me out. I love his voice.

  8. I’m trying to give up (at least temporarily) sugar, caffeine, and overly fatty foods in order to prepare my body for some type of modified fast. This is making me understandably a little grumpy. It is also making me feel rather grand for resisting temptation.
  9. I’m going to see a new counselor tomorrow night and I’m a little bit nervous. New counselors always want to hear all your old shit, and you know, how many times can one stand to go over it all again and again.

  10. I absolutely love the feeling I get from sitting in my little cozy corner sanctuary of my room, listening to music, playing on the computer, having the cat rubbing against my legs, and chilling out from all the stress.
  11. I had something, but I forgot it. Now, I got nothing. I hate that. So, there is no random number 11 statement today.


A Tempting Thought

A new series at church started yesterday. A “journey” more than a set of sermons the pastor hopes. It really has me thinking today… What are the temptations I struggle with? Am I willing to be transparent to other people about those things? How transparent? With whom? Do I need accountability? Do I WANT accountability? From whom? I tend to be either thoroughly transparent or shut down. You get my whole life, or nothing. Gray areas are not my strong point. Also, I’m a “work it out on paper” kind of person (or online these days), so my process is here too.
First we must define temptation I think. A temptation is a noun. Derived from the word tempt, a verb, an action. Temptations are both things that I actively desire and crave (things – a noun), and actions or behavior that I know I should avoid.They are also the thoughts (nouns) that accompany these things. Temptation is defined as: 
  • something that seduces or has the quality to seduce
  • the desire to have or do something that you know you should avoid; “he felt the temptation and his will power weakened”
  • A temptation is an act that looks appealing to an individual. It is usually used to describe acts with negative connotations and as such, tends to lead a person to regret such actions as a result of guilt.
  • Pastor James says that each temptation has more riding on it than I think. That my ability to resist temptation has a tremendous impact on my life and the lives around me. And that it all comes down to “Do I trust God?”. It is convicting in many ways. It’s not “just this once”, it’s never “not hurting anyone else”. Even though feeling temptation is TOTALLY normal and a part of being human, it’s not just about me when I cannot resist.

    The following is a list of some temptations I deal with:

    1. Food – Sweet and fatty foods are my downfall. I actively crave ice cream and chocolate in general, and frequently give in to that temptation, even though I know it will do bad things for me. I have a fairly long laundry list of foods that tempt me. I also hate that I gain weight and constantly bemoan my weight and lack of energy. Yet I still have a real problem resisting the temptation to purchase and eat these things.
    2. Selfishness – taking my time and energy and applying as much as possible to me and not to my family or my work. Wanting to spend my evenings and my weekends doing things I enjoy and ignoring the things I don’t want to do is a tremendous temptation. This includes playing on my computer, reading a book, going shopping. It’s not that doing those things are wrong, all of those things are fine. It’s the matter of doing something to the exclusion of spending time with my family, taking care of my responsibilities, or cultivating my relationships with God and with friends.
    3. Emotional attachments to inappropriate people. I don’t crave or desire this, but I get tempted to develop relationships with some people by the feeling of connection I get from them. If I wouldn’t want my husband to overhear or read (online) my interactions with someone, then there is something terribly wrong with that relationship.
    4. Information – this may seem like an odd thing to be tempted by, but the proximity and availability and speed of getting information online is a terrible temptation for me that distracts me from doing my job. (“What am I missing? Do I have any email? What is new in the news that I should know about? What’s happening in the world? Where can I find this or that?”)
    5. Control – The temptation to grab control, to be in control at home is sometimes overwhelming. Allowing John to make household decisions or be in charge of things is very difficult for me. I fear the consequences when I don’t make the calls. At the same time I want to be able to depend on him.
    6. Perfectionism – This is all about control, but with a different subtext. “If you want something done right you have to do it yourself, no one else can be trusted to do the job well enough.” At the same time, i’m also wanting to be selfish and lazy and do nothing.

    I hope this “journey” can assist me in overcoming some of the temptations in my life that are harming my walk through life instead of helping or easing it. Having a bowl of ice cream “because I deserve it” isn’t helping me beyond the immediate moment. It is, in fact, harming me, helping to take me to a weight that causes me personal anguish and if I don’t change it, will cause me health problems. High blood pressure, heart disease, and diabetes are the things that immediately come to mind as being in my family and that come from being overweight and out of shape.

    today was a stressful day.
    yesterday was an unhappy day.
    when people i love are unhappy, i am unhappy.
    when i am happy and people i love are unhappy it is stressful.
    when i am unhappy and people i love are unhappy it is extra stressful.
    misery loves company, but i am not in misery and i’d like to be happy.
    i’d like the people i love to be happy when i am happy.

    the clock ticks, ticks, ticks,
    time moves too slow and too fast,
    the moment is gone.

    thoughts on the sin nature of gluttony: i know that to eat more than i need is to treat my body poorly, i know that to feed my body with too many processed foods and sugars is not proper caretaking, i know that too eat way too much of bad foods is gluttony, i know that gluttony is a sin, i know that I have a conscious desire to avoid sin, and a conscious desire to avoid eating too much, yet…. presented with a box of donuts or a carton of ice cream, I do not care. I want to eat them, and I want to eat as much as I can get away with eating. I do not binge, I do not purge, I do not have an eating disorder. I just want to eat yummy foods. But if I am the steward of my body, and I am unable to properly care for it, how can I be trusted to steward anything else? What do I lose by missing the mark? What do I gain besides extra weight? Must get something out of it or I wouldn’t do it.

    I would like to take a nap and I would like a drink. Not necessarily in that order. My husband would like it if I would come home instead of blogging I’m sure.
    On my way.

    Tagged by the “weird” meme…

    I’ve been tagged by Regulargoy, generally because he was running out of people who hadn’t already done this viral survey. Oh right, meme. A word I’d only heard used in linguistics class or in reference to linguistics until today. Learn something new everyday…

    So, i’m supposed to write 6 weird things about myself and then tag 6 people and the people who have been tagged by me are supposed to go and do the same thing. It’s highly doubtful that I have 6 friends on Xanga that haven’t been tagged, but I’ll see what i can do. Whose definition of weird should I use? Ha! Obviously I don’t think the things I do are that weird. Ok, here we go…

    1. I grew up in Berkeley, California in the 1970’s, and we lived about 2 or 3 blocks from People’s Park back in the day. If you are familiar with the cultural history of Berkeley and People’s Park in the late 60’s and early 70’s, this will explain a lot about me. Haha! If you aren’t, the information is on those links, but I’m not sure they adequately explain the complete insanity of growing up there. I see little mention of hippies dancing around naked, stoned off their asses on weed and acid. Some memories just never go away . I’m not sure it’s actually weird that I grew up there as much as growing up there has made me kind of weird myself.
    2. My second toes on my feet are longer than my big toes. SOMEONE (my husband) tells me that I’m deformed, but I think it’s normal. Also, on my hands my middle fingers bend slightly at the end toward my ring fingers. I don’t know if they are crooked or if that’s common. I think it’s weird though.
    3. This won’t seem weird to Xangans or Internet-chatters in general, but the vast majority of the people I call my friends I met online. Including my husband. This is apparently weird to most of the people I meet in “real life”.
    4. My sacrum did not completely fuse the way it is supposed to on my right side, so I’m given to my lower back getting out of whack frequently, and lots of lower back discomfort. Basically my upper pelvis has a little too much motion. (Get your mind out of the gutter!)
    5. I dislike talking on the phone and I put off calling people that I should call. Basically if you don’t have an internet chat program, you’ll never hear from me; unless you are related, in which case you might hear from me every few months for closer members and maybe once a year for those further removed. Although, I do have a cell phone now, so I call my mom to check on her. She’s getting older and more confused every year.
    6. I pretty much hate watching TV unless I’m watching a show that teaches me something. I love watching TLC, HGTV, and The Discovery Channel,  My favorite shows are What Not To Wear & Mythbusters. My guilty favorite is America’s Next Top Model because I love seeing the process of the photo shoots and making my own calls on who should win or who should leave. My daughters love watching these shows too, so we like to do that together and get snarky about the things people do and the things people wear. My husband likes to watch them too, but he only watches them because we do.

    Hmmm….. tagging: eyemachine, curtin_severn, headtomyheart, trnunes, I just ran out of people I “think” haven’t done this. And that’s not to say they haven’t been tagged, but that they haven’t given in to the inherent idiocy, yet strangely fascinating aspect, of these sorts of things.

    Oh dear lord, it’s already almost Monday morning again. Sure to be another groggy morning. But for now, it’s merely a Sunday night, of a good weekend.

    Our closest “couple” friends (you know, the couple we both really enjoy and like to hang out with the most, plus the ones my dear husband is the most comfortable with because we’ve known them so long… they were in our wedding of course) came over this morning after church with their two little girls and we had lunch and showed them the new house. Our first official guests. It was great to see them and I was pretty pleased and proud to show off our new house.  They loved it, said they were jealous. I know the feeling, right after we bought our house, we went to see my brother’s new house and it was like… “damn, my new house doesn’t seem nearly as nice anymore!”.

    We bought some artwork for the house and some plants today. Went through old photos with the youngest and picked out some for photo collages. We have WAY too many photos up in our house and none of them are even recent! But, it makes me smile to see the pictures, and I love looking at them with people for the first time. So, there they are, and there they will stay for awhile, years probably.

    Took an art print in for custom framing today. We went to Michael’s Crafts, and with the HALF-OFF SALE on custom framing orders, we STILL paid almost $500. ZOMGWTFBBQ!!!11!eleven!  And they are the “lower priced” framing store. WHAT THE HELL!?!?!! It’s a fricking racket is what it is!!! They’ve got the market cornered because no one else has a flipping clue how to frame an odd sized art piece not to mention, getting the materials. Might be worse than the insurance market!! Wait, no…. never mind, there is no larger racket than the insurance market. Stupid health insurance…. My out of pocket deductible (not including co-pays and medication of course) is $500 for the year. I got my end of December statement and I had…. $450 paid out of pocket, therefore they covered JACK! Grrrrrrrrr!

    I think a little Bohemian Rhapsody, gentlemen.
    Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for meeeeeee!

    And, Melissa, I enjoy you too. I do. And, I’d like a white chocolate mocha please, in case you were asking. 😀

    Random thoughts and items

    Groggy Monday morning.

    On the list of “words you should add to your auto-correct list” at work, please add the following:
    1. Pubic: I will most likely never have the occasion to type the word pubic at work, but I type the word “public” all the time. We do work for public municipalities mostly.
    2. Pimp: Today I was typing the words piping and pump for a project and it wasn’t long before my tired fingers input “pimp” and my tired eyes missed it until the re-read. Oooops!

    This week is my husband’s last week working at the jobsite he’s been at for a few months now, so he’ll be home every night again. Possibly more importantly he’ll be home every morning to help me wake up on time. Hurray!

    Oregon has entered its 3 months of rain, wherein we no longer see the sun. Oregon is the first place I’ve ever lived that had traffic jams listed as being caused by “bright sunlight” instead of only from rain and accidents.


    The Last Two Weeks…

    There is far far too much to talk about and I don’t have the time to tell it all properly. Reader’s Digest version commencing:

    1. We moved two days before Christmas and I love my new house! Christmas was rather chaotic what with not being able to find much of anything in my house but it all worked out. I made four treasure hunts/scavenger hunts for my kids that hopefully made getting money and very small gifts more interesting and fun than opening one envelope or one box. I worked on them for hours Christmas eve and got up early on Christmas day to hide all the clues.

    1a. I had quite a bit of family in town for the Christmas week and I only got to spend a small amount of time with them on Christmas morning amid the chaos of 17 people in a house trying to open presents. This makes me sad. And, none of them got to see my new house. 😦

    2. I finally started playing my Kingdom Hearts 2 playstation game that my husband gave me for my birthday… in April… oops. It’s quite entertaining and allows me to sit on the couch with my husband instead of isolating at the computer desk. 

    3. We got Comcast digital cable including On-Demand TV and DVR capability. I’ve watched more TV in the last two weeks than I’ve probably watched in the last two years. HGTV, TLC, the Discovery channel at my fingertips! Wahoo! I’m SUCH a sucker for tv that teaches me something.

    4. New Years Eve was fun. We went to our friends’ house and ate and drank and played games until Midnight, watched the crystal ball drop (wth is that about anyway? and it’s time for Dick Clark to retire… he’s so hard to comprehend…. kudos to him for his rehabbing from his stroke, but c’mon!), watched some fireworks, and then came home. It was nice to not be drunk. It was even nicer to wake up the next morning feeling fine.

    5. New Years Eve being on a Sunday means church and it was a strange service. The Jr. High Youth Pastor gave the sermon and he’s a little out there. Nice guy, great guy, but hard to follow where he was going. Something about dark days in our past not determining our future, and God giving us another chance as many times as we need….I think. Had I known it wouldn’t be Pastor James I honestly would have preferred to stay home. On the other hand we ran into our best friends, whom we had not seen for a few weeks, so that was nice.

    6. I failed to make any resolutions this year. Mostly because I never keep them anyway, so why bother. Lose weight, start exercising, eat healthier, blah, blah, blah. I know! I resolve to unpack all the boxes from our move instead of leaving them in the garage unopened. (Except the ones that were planned for that.) I should be able to handle that. I resolve to try to be more patient with people. I might be able to handle that…