My first post on Xanga (way back when) thanked God for Xanax. Again, I say, Thank God for Xanax. And, Wellbutrin. And, Cymbalta. And, my nurse practitioner Maureen who prescribes them. And, my husband for not minding too much about me being a walking pharmacy. Did you hear me rattle as I walked by?
I sobbed in the car on the way home from work today. Great heaving sobs. It’s probably best not to cry and drive at the same time, but I’ve got years of practice and only once have I crashed while crying. Besides, I was 17. Everyone crashes when they are that age, right? Additionally, it wasn’t my fault, but I wasn’t paying attention either.
But about that sobbing. I called my stepmother to invite her to join me for a free introductory class at the Oregon Ki Society. Stress reduction, mindfulness, energy work, movement and meditation together. I am hoping to start taking classes in January, and I thought she might be interested in joining me. We could both use the stress relief. She is helping to care for her family members (sisters, mom) and is worn out and on edge and grieving. I am attempting to reconcile my mother’s declining memory and my youngest daughter’s mental and physical health, and I am worn out and on edge and grieving. I figure she is one of the few people I know right now that can relate to where I’m at and maybe we could help be supportive of each other. But our phone call left me drained and hurting and feeling like crap, and ultimately feeling alone and sobbing. I went through my list of cell phone contacts 3 times trying to think if there was someone i could call and count on to understand. There were a few names that I knew I could call, but it was 5:55 p.m. and I know dinner time isn’t really the best time to call friends up, crying and difficult to understand, while they are trying to sit their families down to eat.
I was sobbing great heaving sobs last night too, in my therapist’s office. Allowing myself to feel the loss and the grieving from these relationships that are dying, have died, was a surprise outburst of tears. I’ve been trying so hard to play them down as not a huge deal, but they are big deals, even if to no one else but me.
I used to call my mom when I was upset and crying. Now I’m crying about my mom, and I can’t even explain to her why exactly, so calling her isn’t going to make anything better. I’m feeling her loss in incremental stages and missing her already. She’s no longer the person I have always known. She’s not “Mommy” anymore. I hate it. And, I’m mad at her for being sick and it’s not her fault and that’s just so wrong and I feel guilty. But, it doesn’t stop me from feeling upset and angry! And we have no idea what kind of time frame we are looking at for her. I find that frustrating too. I feel like a control freak! Not that I’m not a control freak anyway, but I just feel so out of control and helpless in the face of so many things right now. I can’t list them all here, some of them are just too private or not mine to share. I heard the other day that our degree of happiness can be correlated to the degree to which we feel in control of our lives. So, no wonder I’m depressed. The weather isn’t helping. In fact, I’m quite sure it’s hurting. This year is worse than usual what with the other things going on, but I’m just one large trigger button. The grey skies, the never-ending rain, the lack of daytime hours, it’s just depressing. And I’m not one to really mind rain, so it’s just the whole seasonal darkness thing, along with holiday nostalgia. All of the traditions from my youth are gone. It’s time to make new traditions. I’ll try.
I’m also looking for a support group for family members of / adult children of / caregivers of people with dementia or Alzheimer’s disease. I’ve got some information on a few nearby meetings, but they are all once a month. I was expecting meetings like AA or ACA or Al-anon…. meetings that are available daily or weekly. Once a month!? What the hell are they thinking? My therapist insists however. I could also use a support group for parents of troubled teenagers or something. I’m heartbroken. I love my husband, I love my kids, my pets, my house, my schooling, my friends, but the pain involved in the loss of these two extremely important relationships is intense and unexplainable to someone who hasn’t gone through it. And why do these things have to be happening at the same time? Is it too much to ask to only have to deal with one heartbreak at a time? Apparently. I’m so thankful for the people who love me. And I’m sorry to be putting them through my misery. Yet I’m so thankful for their presence and love and patience.
This too shall pass.
What’s that they say? Lord, please give me patience…. RIGHT NOW! 😉
As Bartles and Jaymes used to say in their infinite wisdom… “Thenk yew fer yer support.” Yep. Thank you.
And, pass the tissue. I might start crying again.