New meds are definitely helping, and I’ve only been taking them a week! That doesn’t seem possible, but the difference is more than noticeable, and definitely wasn’t happening without them. I have mixed feelings about having to take another medication, was really hoping that regular exercise, good nutrition, enough sleep, and therapy might make enough of a difference to drop that second medication, but 3 months of only one medication was enough to show me that it’s not gonna happen right now. Maybe when I’m not trying to work full time and go to school in the evenings. I was so overwhelmed, crying constantly, on the verge of an anxiety attack at all times, so I’ll take this right now. It was really needed. I’m so thankful that it’s working already too… amazing! I’m nervous about the side effects, but I guess it’s better to be alive with some annoying side effects, than to be dead because I couldn’t handle life.
Monthly Archives: May 2012
No Gold Stars?
DISCLAIMER: This is a depressing post, about depression. It is not addressed at anyone particularly. It is just me sharing my experience. If you don’t feel like reading it, I totally get that! Please feel free to skip it.
One of the most frustrating things about going through a clinical depression episode is that people get frustrated with me for all the things I’m doing wrong, at a time when I feel like I should be being applauded and given gold stars for making it out of bed at all.
Also, getting dressed, making it to work, paying attention to other people that I am in relationship with, going to school, doing homework, feeding myself and my animals and doing any of the other things that are expected of an adult, all feel so close to impossible, yet are mostly getting done. I try to wear a smile and still be pleasant and kind.
I get that those things are expected.
I get that it’s frustrating for other people when I don’t do them “right”.
I get that no one will be cheering when I actually make myself do them.
I get that no one else can see that I’m actually wildly succeeding at life at these times.
It’s just really hard to feel and hear other people’s disappointment with me at a time when I’m already beating myself up for “failing at life”. (I’m late to work a lot during these times, I agree that is a problem. But you know, I made it!! C’mon! Gold star!)
I’m seeing a professional, I’m getting help, I don’t need an intervention. Some of you may be in relationship with people that suffer with episodes of depression, maybe it will help to read this. Maybe not.
Silently Surviving 