I haven’t listened to patty griffin before, but almost everyone i know on xanga does, so i’m checking it out. love it already. i’d like to close my eyes and listen to the lyrics and float off on a memory cloud. i am at work. so this cannot happen now. it reminds me of lots of the folk music languishing on my cd shelves. using pandora.com so the first song was hers, now i’m gettin a song by an artist with similar traits in her music. it’s by anais mitchell. it’s reminding me of dar williams. now toni price. also good. ahhhhh… sippin’ my chai, relaxin’ into the morning. (beth orton, more patty griffin, now ani difranco. LOVING this station! HEE! Now Dar Williams. neat. KT Tunstall, ahhhh Eva Cassidy, be still my heart! Lucy Kaplansky.nice, i have one of her records too.).

At home, having moved my computer to the living room, at least temporarily, i’m “semi” watching a bunch of things i would normally not watch. hubby has very different tastes than i do. actually, broadened tastes is probably more accurate. he likes pretty much anything i want to watch, but i only like a fraction of what he wants to watch. but, he wants me to hang out with him in the living room. my solution? move the computer in there, (he uses a laptop while he watches tv), hook up the headphones, and when he’s watching something i don’t want to watch, i just crank up the music and drown it out. we watched the last couple episodes of LOST this weekend so now i’m all done. I tried very very hard not to read any spoilers for the finale before i watched it and was *mostly* successful. all i can say is….. wth?? start season four immediately you mofos!!! you can’t just leave us hanging like that! of course, the fact is they can and will. i can say without a doubt that this is my favorite tv show ever. “we” (i use the term loosely here because i was not paying much attention) also watched The Upside of Anger, Barton Fink, Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban, baseball, Seinfeld, Simpsons, South Park, Ellen Degeneres “Beginnings” (ok, that i paid full attention to… she’s hilarious!), and some other stuff i can’t think of right now.
Baseball game had a brawl in it. That was awesome! “I went to a baseball game and a hockey game broke out!” A’s vs. Mariner’s. Now, i grew up in Berkeley, which is next to Oakland. So, nominally speaking I was an A’s fan until I moved to Portland. Now I’m a Mariner’s fan. The term fan is used a bit loosely as i enjoy going to the games, but on tv is a bit dull. However, hubby is a FANatic, so he watches just about every game. Anyway, it was quite the scene. Emptied both benches/bull pens onto the field near the home plate. Baseball would be a lot more interesting to watch on tv if they could manage a brawl or two per game. Why do you think people watch hockey anyway? the FIGHTS! Marketing people, pay attention here!

Upside of Anger was interesting, though i watched somewhat half-heartedly as i was doing stuff in my game online. Kevin Costner played the character he plays best: washed up baseball player. I thought he was actually REALLY good in this. Just the right touch of emotions. The 4 daughters were well played overall. I only recognized 2 of them, but they all did a nice job, if under-developed. However, Joan Allen is …. AMAZING in this movie. She’s a bit of a “shrew”, which seems pretty reasonable given the premise of the movie. But she moves with pathos from drunken disinterest to righteous anger to biting humor to kindness and affection and then back again and through, at a moments notice to any of them, yet at all times beguiling. This was in my mind an Oscar winning performance. Perhaps it was a bit of recognition in myself of those feelings, for similar emotional reasons. Abandonment, betrayal, neglect.  I didn’t care for the narration of the film by the youngest of the daughters. It felt overdone and unnecessary. the director gave himself a part in the movie that was also fairly useless: aging lothario, not even attractive enough to explain how his part in the movie was supposed to be understandable. whatever, it was good.

Went to a party at our best friends’ house for one of the kids’ birthdays (Maddie) and mom’s birthday (Tracey). I invited Melissa to come with us and she did! We had a blast! At least, i did. I think she did!  She told me i have to stop that negative talk about my weight, which I know I shouldn’t do, but it’s so hard not to be disparaging of my flaws/failures. I WILL TRY! There Melissa, I will try. i promise.

Fourth of July, 2007… Independence = Freedom, Freedom = Not Incarcerated? So I guess Bush was just wishing Scooter Libby a Happy Independence Day, yeah?   I like that. Bush and his cronies have the freedom to do whatever they want, and we have the freedom to … bend over I guess.  Hubby says I should stop moaning about it and work for change if it upsets me so much. I say that’s an awfully good idea, but since i feel helpless to do anything meaningful there, I’m just gonna keep bitching about it to you all.  Actually, I decided that someone’s xanga about the length of time that this government is in existence is not even the blink of an eye in the scheme of eternity was right, and that instead of 1) bitching helplessly or 2) working uselessly to change the government, I would 3) do what i can to ease the suffering of those around me who are hurt by this government. I mean, something I actually have the power to do instead of being powerless.

But that’s not what i got on here to talk about. Probably more interesting than my intended post which was…. Fourth of July… we did nothing festive, but we played our computer games and watched movies and didn’t cook or do chores, so all in all a good day.  Watched Close Encounters of the Third Kind on Comcast’s On Demand service. It was like watching a new movie it had been so long since I’d seen it. I’d completely forgotten the plot other than “guy sees UFO, goes a little nutty with mashed potatoes and clay trying to make a replica of some mountain, a series of musical tones that i DID remember (amazing) and some aliens and a spaceship at the end.” So really, it was a new movie for me. Very enjoyable I must say. Also watched Only the Lonely with John Candy, Maureen O’Hara, Ally Sheedy, and Jim Belushi. Don’t normally like John Candy movies, but it was pretty good. John Candy was the normal person for once. That’s probably why i liked it.

Power just blipped at work, UPS beeping, shutting down now bye!

Scooter Libby gets his 30-month sentence commuted by W. I should not be shocked and surprised. But, I am. Disgusted and dispirited and despondent about our government.

I knew it was coming. But I didn’t really believe. For the love of God, why why why did anyone vote for that man? Why is it OK for this one guy to break the law in very serious ways, and the rest of the country takes the fall.

1. “All you need is love” is a false statement.

1. What I want to be when I grow up.

1. Whatever it is, it’s not about me.

1. “Bad boys” make lousy boyfriends.

1. My parents were smarter than I thought. (They were, however, incredibly naive.)
2. I’m a good mother. Step-mother. Parental figure. whatever. I’m good at it.

1. How to enjoy exercise. (Not that i’ve figured it out yet, but had i, it would have solved a multitude of issues.)

1. Quiet alone time is crucial for me. I’m an extrovert, so it never occurred to me, but I do. My nervous system hits overload otherwise.

1. The journey IS the point, not the goal. The goal is the motivation for the journey.

1. “Having fun” is not enough to give my life meaning. Because as soon as I stopped having fun, life lost its meaning. For me, there has to be more. I’m lucky to have found meaning in my life. Otherwise, I might not be here.

The “instructions” of the meme are to tag other people to do the same one, but that’s not me. If the idea intrigues you, make your own list, and by all means, let me know. 🙂

My friend’s therapist asked her that yesterday. It’s been a long time since my therapist has asked me that. She answered “semi-truthfully”. I totally understand that answer. I made a pact with myself when I first started seeing my therapist not to lie to her, but sometimes it’s really hard. I have on a couple of occasions anyway. What’s the point in lying to my therapist? I’m paying her to listen to my neurotic thoughts and help me figure life out. If I lie, I sort of handicap that process, right? Only, sometimes the reasons we lie are complicated. I lied to her once because I was ashamed of the real answer, so I lied to save face. If I’m lying to save face, I care what she thinks ABOUT me. I’m supposed to care what she thinks about how I’m living my life or how things have affected me. I don’t really think I’m supposed to care what she thinks about my moral character. And then, in order to save the facade of my moral character, I abused my moral character by lying, which is against my value system. The other time I lied straight-faced to her was when I wasn’t ready to deal with something yet. I corrected it before the end of the session and resolved to just say that “I’m not ready to deal with that right now” instead of lying. The lying made me anxious. Having an anxious personality to begin with, lying doesn’t help me.

But what I really intended to talk about was “what are you afraid of?”  That’s such a good question. In a nice bit of irony, I’m kind of afraid of that question, because it makes me think about and look at things I don’t want to look at or think about.  In no REAL order of importance, just in the order they came to me:

1. Being alone in the world.
2. Trusting people.
3. Having no income.
4. Having no place to live.
5. Not having enough income to pay the bills.
6. Finding someone I love dead.
7. Finding anyone dead.
8. Being hurt intentionally in some horrible way. (rape, torture, physical attack, etc.)
9. Being hurt in some way that incapacitates me so that I cannot do things at all for myself.
10. Going blind.
11. Getting Alzheimers.
12. Having one of my kids get badly hurt or hurt themselves.
13. Being “found out” that I can’t really do this or that as well as I try to make it look.
14. Finding out that there is no God, that everything is by chance and accident. (Ironic since this was my belief until a few years ago.)
15. Being humiliated.
16. Scary movies.
17. Spiderwebs.
18. Being left out.
19. Not belonging.
20. Losing my parents.
21. Having a loved one go through a long slow painful death.
22. Living in a post-apocalyptic world, scrambling to survive.
23. Being abandoned.
24. Pain.

It strikes me that dying isn’t on my list. I’m not afraid to die particularly. I’m afraid to have it hurt. I’m afraid of anything that will be painful. This makes perfectly good sense. I think there is a sensibility to avoiding pain.

But when this question comes from my therapist, most of those answers aren’t what she’s looking for. She wants to know what I’m afraid of that is making me do or not do something. In the past these were some very driving issues for me. I’m a little more secure in myself than I used to be, but these were my main issues.

1. Why am I afraid to get a new job?
2. Why am I afraid of people not liking me?
3. Why am I afraid of my relationship not working out?
4. Why am I afraid to believe in God.
5. Why don’t I trust people?

That list wasn’t intended to be in any particular order, but looking over it I’d say it is after all. The lesser of the scary stuff to the scariest stuff at the bottom. “Why don’t I trust people?” really means “Why are you off the charts afraid of trusting people?”.  Clearly I’m not afraid to share my thoughts. I’ve always been a pretty transparent person. But I’ve never ever ever trusted anyone to be there for me if I needed them. I’ve hoped. I’ve counted on people and been pleased and I’ve counted on people and been disappointed. But I’ve never completely trusted anyone to help me when I need it. I know my husband should be on the list. For the most part he is. But I know that sadly I am too afraid to completely trust anyone. It’s a failing in me, not him, nor anyone else. I do trust him completely to a point. The point being if he started acting strangely, eventually I would become suspicious and stop trusting him until I figured out what was going on and if it was a threat to me or not.

I would say that I’m naturally suspicious of people, but I doubt that suspiciousness comes naturally. I think it’s a learned thing. So sometime, somewhere, suspicious people learn that response to any unusual stimuli. I can practically smell my kids lying. My brain goes into overdrive to figure out what is really going on. However, I can say that I have finally learned to not be suspicious with my husband. That’s a learned response too.  And that’s definitely a plus.

What are you afraid of? Everything and nothing.  Mostly I think we’re just afraid to hurt.

I guess I just have nothing much to say?

1. Played World of Warcraft all weekend, mostly pvp (player vs. player) in the battlegrounds in capture the flag games. Good times.
2. Tried to do nice things for my honey on Father’s Day.  Cleaned the garage, kitchen, etc.
3. Tried to hot tub…. first time TOO HOT, can’t get in, second time NICE, but not hot ENOUGH! ( I feel like Goldilocks) Will try again tonight or tomorrow.
4. Still obsessively playing Freecell….. why? I have no clue.
5. Started a new medication today that has possible side effects of nausea. Oh goody! So far, so good.
6. I’m tired. Would like nap NOW plz. kthxbai!
7. Kinda missing my girly girl, but I’m glad she’s having a good time.
8. Need to get cracking on short essays for seminary admissions application. Due in 2 weeks. eek!
8. Yep, that’s about it.

Today is the 5th anniversary for my husband and me. It’s actually the 5th anniversary of our “big” wedding, but it’s the one we celebrate. We got married legally a few months before our wedding for insurance reasons when I got laid off work. However, that was his birthday, and so in order to not lose his birthday, we celebrate the June wedding instead of the March marriage.

As of later this year we will have been together for 10 years, minus a month here and there in the beginning during our “we’re a couple!” “no, we’re not a couple!” stage. I could never have pictured myself being with someone that long back then, not because I didn’t desire that, but my record was 3 years, and that included some extended absences on his part (him living on the lam, then being in jail, you know: the usual), and before that 2 years with even more extended absences (work related), so one could say I didn’t really know what it was like to be with someone all the time for more than about a year.

I have to say that I can’t quite believe it’s been 10 years. I’ve helped raise his children. I’ve seen him go through huge changes. I’ve gone through huge changes. Yet, here we are, still together, still in love. Not that it’s not a challenge, but it’s a worthy challenge. I love being married. I love knowing that neither of us considers divorce an alternative to the work of a marriage. I love knowing that even when we argue, we’ll both be there in the morning, and we’ll still love each other. (This particular bit is a huge issue of mine from my childhood.) There is always a light at the end of the tunnel because even in our dark moments I know that eventually we’ll get things worked out because we won’t allow ourselves to do otherwise.

Marriage requires sacrifice, and we’re all selfish, so that’s hard, especially when one person does more sacrificing for a period of time. We’ve both been in that position now. But the goal is to give and sacrifice at the same time as they are giving and sacrificing, so that we are both getting as much as we’re giving. Choosing to love someone when you don’t FEEL loving is hard, but what a paradigm shift from “I’ll love you when you’re lovable, and I won’t when you’re not, it’s all about me and my feelings”. That’s the one I learned growing up.

My marriage makes me a better person, in lots of ways. Iron sharpens iron, and rising to the challenges of daily life makes me grow and expand my sense of self, and helps me understand that sense of oneness between two people. The hard times are hard, but the good times are GREAT!!

Happy Anniversary John, I Love You!!!

My iGoogle soapbox for yesterday:
Tolerance isn’t tolerance if you feel intolerance for intolerant people. (i.e. hating Rush Limbaugh for being intolerant makes me intolerant and abolishes my argument that I am a tolerant person.)

It’s apropos of nothing, but I didn’t want to lose it when I changed my soapbox.

I was chatting with Chris online the other day and I mentioned that I had seen Queen in concert. As we talked more I realized that growing up in the Bay Area in the 1970s and 80s had afforded me the unusual opportunity to see an obscene amount of artists in concert. Also I have continued to attend concerts as I’ve gotten older. I decided to make a list of every artist I had seen in person. This list has topped out at 208 bands/artists including some comedians I’ve seen in clubs. Keep in mind that the vast majority of these concerts were music festivals and I don’t actually remember all of different artists, I just know I was there. Some of them I don’t remember because I was about 12 when I began going to Day on the Green concerts at the Oakland Coliseum, and I just didn’t know or didn’t care about some of the bands, and some I don’t remember because they weren’t all that great, and some I don’t remember due to “chemical enhancement”, but MOST of them I can remember at least bits and pieces of the show, if not all of it. I know for sure I’m missing a few concerts for which I just can’t remember names, but I can picture the show. Oh well. They’ll come to me someday.  I didn’t include musicals, operas, etc.

So, for your perusement and amusement, here’s the list in alphabetical order:

1. “Working with all my heart”…. half a heart so far. Still, it’s on my mind.
2. Trying to learn to use the mouse with my left hand. Last night after I’d done it for about an hour, i had trouble driving home because i was in a different vehicle than usual and my brain was already confused about left and right. Worked out fine but it was weird. I will persevere and push on to victory though!! It’s the ONLY way to make my workspace ergonomically correct (not taking chair into account at all), and it would take some stress off my right forearm which has been sore for…, well for years.
3. Cramps suck!
4. Eldest daughter is about to turn 18 and move across the country. Happy and stressful at the same time.
5. It’s almost summer when youngest daughter will move to real mom’s house for 2-3 months.  Anticipation. Quiet. Stillness.
6. Son’s whereabouts this summer unknown, probably at our house, not real mom’s, but I don’t care. The only indication he is there is missing food, messy counters, and plates showing up after two days of food drying on them. Annoying items to be sure, but not very demanding for me.
7. More sleep wanted, extra hours in day to accommodate more sleep preferred. No cooperation from upstairs on that.
8. It’s beautiful and sunny and warm today. I have lilies (i think) growing in my yard, next to the irises! Ahhhh, so pretty! The Rhodies are blooming with a riot of color everywhere you look. I love Oregon. LOVE IT!!
9. Also, learning to sit up straight. Hurts like hell. Whose idea was it to make this the responsibility of muscles? you don’t have to worry about keeping your legs straight!! Then again, they are rather vulnerable to breakage, and less maneuverable. Right now I’d like one of those traction devices that keeps you from bending your back, but on my terms. Like, not as the result of a car crash or something.
10. Have I mentioned lately how much I love my house? I love my house. It’s wonderful. I shall post pictures someday after the vinyl windows and sliding doors have been installed.

Time to eat and do more work.