It feels like I have writer’s block, as if I had too much jumbling around inside my head to make sense of any of it and write it down. I *know* I need to be writing, my brain can get that far, but I don’t know what I need to be writing *about*.

Four days in a row I’ve had heartburn. I can’t remember the last time I had heartburn. Probably a couple of years or so. What’s the deal? I have to admit I think my weight gain is to blame. I MUST lose weight, but I can’t seem to say no to my ice cream and candy and donuts and such. I am beginning to hate food. I wish I could just eat what is healthy for me to eat and not want anything more. I have a friend who used to be bulimic and it sounds like a complete nightmare, but sometimes I find myself wishing I could just eat what I want and then get rid of it without it being processed through the body. Food occupies WAY too much of my thought processes through the day. What are we going to eat for dinner, what do I want for dessert, do we have any chocolate in the office, did anyone bring donuts? Ooh I can have a bowl of cereal if I am still up at 11:30! And so on, and so on. If only food didn’t taste good, and satisfy some strange emotional need I have to “treat” myself.

To my darling daughter: this is confidential information for the rest of the house, please use discretion.

DH goes on Monday to talk to some people at a place 2+ hours away about a possible extended assignment. He doesn’t know the time frame… it could be for 4-6 weeks or it could be for like… six months. This would mean he would be staying down there during the week and coming home at the weekend. I’ve already told him that the 15 year old stepson living at our house while he is gone is not an option to my mind. Not even for “just a month”, but no way is hubby going to send him to his mother’s to live for just one month, necessitating a switch in schools, etc. So, to me this extended assignment is a moot point. He can’t take it. But he wants us to “discuss” it this weekend. 15-year old needs a PARENT, which I am not and never will be to him. He closed that door many many years ago. Additionally, he is now bigger and stronger than I am. Hubby scoffs that he would do anything to me, but I say you never know what someone will do, and without supervision and him being a very angry guy inside, I don’t feel safe. I should feel safe in my own home! The older of the DD’s is more than welcome to be there with me, we have fun and get along great. The younger of the DD’s is already living with her mom, so that’s not a problem.

My therapist says that DH leaving me to be the adult supervision in the house for the stepson is NOT AN OPTION given my feelings of safety and the fact that he exudes hostility and an “i don’t give a shit” attitude about everything already. It’s already like living in an atmosphere of hostility, and that’s when DH is there to be a buffer. Usually I have to leave the room when the stepson does something that makes me angry or I will be overly tempted to go off on him. He’s just a little jackass. God knows I tried to be a good stepmom to him, but he has never given an inch and I doubt he will. When we aren’t around he talks to his sisters with rude and crude language, telling them to piss off and fuck off. He can’t walk by one of them without shoving into them, and he looks for opportunities to annoy them at all times. All when we are not watching of course. Not to mention the disobeying of rules about computer usage when he thinks we won’t notice. He gets caught doing stuff a lot which leads me to wonder if we are missing most of it and he does these things every day or if we usually catch him, and how stupid can you get if you get caught all the time and yet still keep doing the shit that gets you in trouble? “A fool is a person who does the same thing over and over, expecting a different result” Last week we found a stash of porn on his NEW computer in a “hidden” folder… meaning it wasn’t viewable on a scan of the computer, but all it took was clicking two levels into a folder ON HIS DESKTOP to see it. Does he think we’re idiots or is he just a moron? That question is up in the air. Consequences have no effect on him that I can see. Aaaargh!

DH is off to see the Nurse Practioner for Mental Health in regards to antidepressants. What he’s taking now is not doing the damn job. Not by a long shot. When I ask him what he’s going to do about his son, his response should NOT be…”what do you want me to do? there is nothing i can do. Nothing I say makes a difference.”. C’mon now, that’s just ridiculous. You’re his father, think of something! But he can’t, he feels hopeless and helpless.

From the online Merriam-Webster dictionary:
Main Entry: hope·less
Pronunciation: 'hO-pl&s
Function: adjective
1 a : having no expectation of good or success : DESPAIRING b: not susceptible to remedy or cure c : incapable of redemption or improvement
2 a : giving no ground for hope : DESPERATE : incapable of solution, management, or accomplishment : IMPOSSIBLE
synonym see DESPONDENT
– hope·less·ness noun

Main Entry: help·less
Pronunciation: 'hel-pl&s; Southern often 'hep-l&s also 'he&p-
Function: adjective
1 : lacking protection or support : DEFENSELESS
2 a : marked by an inability to act or react <the crowd looked on in helpless horror : not able to be controlled or restrained <helpless laughter>
– help·less·ly adverb
– help·less·ness noun

Learned Helplessness: The feeling that one has no control over one’s situation and that whatever one does is futile. Environments in which people experience events in which they feel or actually have no control over what happens to them, such as repeated failure may tend to foster learned helplessness. An apathetic attitude stemming from the conviction that one’s actions do not have the power to affect one’s situation.

I used to feel this way most of the time. Medication can be a wonderful thing. I am just praying that he will have a positive response to the medication she gives him and that it becomes efficacious sooner than later!!

Lastly, the younger DD emailed us this week asking if she could move back in with us. We’ve told her that she cannot do so at this time. She needs to give things more time at her mom’s. My stress level went off the chart when I read her email because I thought DH would say okay. Thankfully, he did not. We agreed on the entire situation and reasoning, which was a welcome relief. She’s a wonderful girl, but she CANNOT get her emotional needs met at our house. It’s just not going to happen, and we’ll end up back where we were last year with her being uber depressed and screaming at us. No thank you, I’ll pass. She admits she’s having her emotional needs met by her mom, so in our opinions, that is where she needs to be. That is the number one important thing. The schools aren’t as good where she is, I’ll admit that. But I think they are “good enough”, she’s a smart girl, she will learn what she needs to learn outside of school if it comes to that. Her mom should just move to our school district and solve the problem, seriously. Of course, our older daughter who refuses to speak to her might not want her so close by. I’d say 5 miles would be a good distance… say the other end of town. Just far enough away that no one will be storming out of the house saying “I’m going to my mom’s!” or “to my dad’s!” when they get mad.

Well, that’s enough for now… probably more than enough. 🙂