New goals, old problems

Yellow isn’t really my color…. I’m wearing a sunshiney yellow shirt that i love for its color, but I feel drab. And melancholic, I feel melancholy lurking under my cheerful work smile.

Maybe it’s just a drab day. It’s gray outside my window, gray like January, but it’s late August. It has been so hot lately that the cooler weather is welcome, but it’s not even all that cool. Kind of humid. yuck.

I think I want to start running. I hate running, but it’s because running is not comfortable. I will have to set up a schedule and be disciplined about it. That could be rough. I signed up for Curves earlier this year and I have barely gone. I should discipline myself to do that as well. I just need to get in shape. Losing weight is all fine and good, but I want to feel healthy and strong. Right now I feel old and weak.

DH’s recent problem with me is about not wanting to do “family things”.  But, they just aren’t enjoyable for me most of the time. People picking on each other, someone getting hurt, someone getting mad. How is that fun? Then I consider the time that I could have while everyone else is doing something, time that is quiet and peaceful and relaxing.  I’m not sure who he thinks used to insist on family dinners, who used to insist he get off his computer to spend some time with his kids, and who used to look for things to do as a family (that he never wanted to do so we usually didn’t), but it sure as hell wasn’t him. So, somehow this translates to “I don’t like to do family things” when I say I’m not interested in going to a movie, or going downtown to a really crowded event, or I don’t want to watch a movie as a family (because I don’t enjoy watching movies usually), or playing a game where someone is going to leave the table pissed or in tears. Want me to watch a movie? Put in an animated film, put in Bill Cosby, put in one of my favorite movies and I’m there. But no, I do not want to watch “Random Movie Here” because films have a tendency to make me very uncomfortable… my anxiety levels go off the scale on many of them, and I cannot stand to watch stupid movies that cater to the lowest common denominator of humor.  I also no longer like large crowds. Again, I get very anxious, I get nervous when i can’t find people, I hate the jostling, I hate the potential volatility of large crowds that seems everpresent. So no, I’m not very interested in going as a family to The Bite, or to the Rose Festival. I will hate it.  I have gone to my share of family events that were unhappy events. I’d rather have the solace and the silence.

I think that he thinks it means I don’t like his kids… our kids. I call them my kids. I tell them (well, the girls) that I love them all the time and I do! I enjoy their company very much one on one. But two or more = fighting, and I hate that.

In other news, I am looking into reapplying for my massage license and what that would entail. I don’t know if it would be affordable, and I don’t know if it will be practical, but at least it would be something for which I have a passion. Susan says I should not call it my mid-life crisis, but that at mid life people re-evaluate and choose some things to change and some things to alter the path that they are on, to become more of who they want to be and often to give something to the greater good. That’s my goal, to become who I want to be, not who everyone said I should be, and to become who I thought I couldn’t be because I was afraid to try and fail, afraid to be unmasked as a fraud, someone who doesn’t really know what they are doing.