No Way Out

Met with the social worker today that is keeping track of my mom’s progression into memory loss. She acknowledged to me that it is “most likely” Alzheimers due to the fact that it has progressively gotten worse over the last two years. However, my mom is highly functioning, very bright, and works her mind constantly (reading, x-word puzzles, etc.), so she’ll probably be mostly okay for years to come. That sounds great, but really I just want my mom back. All other options are undesirable to me. I want MY MOTHER, not this very nice but confused woman who asks the same questions and tells the same stories again and again. I can love that woman, but that’s not my mom.

She knows very clearly what is going on in business and politics right now, but she can’t accurately remember old events, conversations, plans for the future, and personal things anymore. It’s a pity I have almost zero interest in business, and we already agree politically on most topics. We both operate on the “if you don’t have something nice to say, it’s better not to say anything at all” system, so we don’t discuss faith, religion, her decline, etc. She minimizes and I bite my tongue or grit my teeth. I can tell by the set of my jaw and the tension in my legs and my stomach that I’m holding everything inside.  Hopefully the levee doesn’t break.

Soooo, I’m depressed today, and, for me, the only way out is through. Therefore, I’m going to be depressed today and tonight and hope that tomorrow is a cheerier day. Thank you for your well wishes, thank you very much.