My 17 year old stepson moved out this weekend, back to his mother’s house. I haven’t blogged about it at all because I haven’t really figured out what I think. For me personally and selfishly it’s a good thing. Having him here has been stressful for me from the day he moved in. He’s not an awful kid by any means, but he’s not one that goes out of his way to do anything for anyone else in this family. He has seemingly intentionally divorced himself from this family, and when he goes to his mom’s house, he interacts and is actually helpful and does nice things sometimes. Therefore, the decision was made that he would move back to his mom’s house before the school year started. The school district where we live is one of the best, if not the best, districts in the state. The school district where he is moving is one of the worst academically. He didn’t want to move because he wanted to stay in our school system. Yet, when given the opportunity to do something to try to stay in it, he never engaged. It seems to me that he was more willing to move than to discuss what he could do differently and then follow through. When he was packing up his stuff into his mom’s van, and my husband was sort of helping, they didn’t talk. I think neither one of them knew what to say or how to say anything. The whole scenario made me cry. I could see my husband was mad, I could see my stepson seemed apathetic, but I wasn’t sure what he was feeling. I felt like saying to both of them “STOP!! Just get over the awkwardness and say something real. Say something that you really feel. Tell him you love him. Tell him you’re sorry. Tell him you want to rebuild your relationship. Don’t just let each other walk away.” My husband did end up going outside just before they left and talking to him for a few minutes, saying some heartfelt words, promising to try to make things better in the future. I found myself sobbing about it. Not because he was moving out, but in the same way I would cry if I was watching a movie and seeing this scene play itself out: A quiet father and a quiet son don’t know how to talk, don’t know how to be friends, don’t necessarily like each other even, and they are letting each other go without really trying to fix it, and you know what the future will bring for them… nothing.
There are some silver linings however. I no longer have to worry about whether my door is closed when i’m changing clothes. I can walk into the laundry room (aka garage) in any state of dress or undress to get something from the dryer or the hanging rod there. I can get in the hot tub buck nekkid without wondering if I can be seen from inside the house. I can come home and find my kitchen counters still clean (hopefully). I won’t find a week’s worth of dishes suddenly in the sink after being piled up in a bedroom with food still in them, crusting on and molding. (UGH) We can buy enough food for 3 normal sized appetites instead of 5 because we don’t have one person eating enough for 2. We do have to pay child support, but hopefully no more than what we will save by not feeding him. Clearly due to my sudden economic downturn this is important.
So, my stress level went way down on Saturday, only to be lifted high on Tuesday with the news about my job. I stayed home today to rest. I feel much more relaxed now. And, knowing that my son won’t walk in the room ignoring me completely does kind of help. Speaking of stress relief, it’s time to take my puppy for a walk. 🙂 If only kids stayed as affectionate as puppies. Oh well, at least they grow up and support themselves someday.
August 21st, 2008 at 11:16 pm
What a mixed bag of emotions. No wonder you feel tired! It must be hard. You should treat yourself to something nice. 🙂
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:05 am
SANDI’S BLOG IS A WALL OF TEXT!!!AAAAAHHHHHH! Runs awaaaaaay!!!/dies from WOT-crit
September 17th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Hi there. I stopped by from the footprints you left on my site; and my now 40-year old mind is saying “you know that user name,” but I can’t remember anything about the last time we commented & such… sorry! I sure hope we didn’t piss each other off… you didn’t leave a comment today, so I’m not sure what brought you over. Maybe you just saw MY user name and remembered it but no details just like me! Anyway, I could almost tear up myself reading your account of this move-out… I know exactly what you mean about being a witness to so much being unsaid and unresolved. Been there, done that; and the worst part is that it’s not yours to fix but you can see it so much more clearly than those who are right in the middle of it. I’ve found that just giving it over to God to “fix” (change hearts? create an opportunity for reconciliation?) is about all I can do when faced with that kind of situation. Here’s hoping it’s gotten better in the few weeks since this post.
September 17th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
@Shirlann – I’m friends with your best friend :), and i was surprised to see you commenting on weedorwildflowers site, so i had to go see if it was really you or someone with a similar name.