Walking on a hot day and then having to return to work in the same clothes….. ugh.
Love the mp3 player, enjoy the walking, hate the sweatiness.
Must build into my home routine, not work.

I’m already longing for comfy warm PJ’s for the upcoming fall and winter.
Why don’t they make sleepers for adults? Well actually, they do,
but I’ve only seen them a couple of times, and they didn’t look very adult.
More like a costume.
and I suppose climbing in and out of a sleeper to use the bathroom sounds like
quite the bother…. but non-slip booties sewed into my jammies sounds great,
no cold ankles where the chill can creep in.
Maybe L.L. Bean or Lands End has something.
Nick & Nora have tons of cute stuff but I don’t know if it would fit me,
and they are overpriced. I shall start looking about online.

The house feels so much calmer this year at the start of school than last year.
Not having the youngest helps tons. Not having 3 kids in school helps a lot too.
Not feeling guilty if we don’t have dinner at the table is pretty much priceless.

Last night in my online role-playing game I bid on an item for my oldest daughter who plays
in my guild with me because she had disconnected and had to reboot her PC.
I clearly said I was bidding for her, and what her total points available were.
Next thing I know I’m being pronounced the winner.
I don’t need this item. I have a better item.
So I point out that it wasn’t for me, and the guild bully
(who was in charge of the bidding for that item) says
“Don’t bid for someone else or I will kill you.”
I said “Get over it” which was not really like me but I was irritated.
She was the one who didn’t pay attention to what i told her.
A lot of people thought this was very funny that I told her off.
Next thing she says is “You are so dead Mynamehere.”
But she didn’t say another word to me about it.
I was mad!
Apparently I am very protective of my daughter.
If I had tried to bid for someone else I would probably
have been saying “i’m sorry! i’m sorry!” instead.

A guy in my guild who I like to call Rat Bastard (or RB for short) is
apparently not just bothering and harassing me, but several different women.
I’m thinking it’s time to get together and complain about unacceptable behavior.
There is strength in numbers, for volume and for veracity.
I hope they kick him out of the guild! What a jerk!

I am noticing that I’m going through short bouts of depression.
Right now I am not, so I can be more objective.
These bouts last anywhere from a few days to a couple of weeks.
I am taking my medicine as prescribed. When I am not being
depressed, I’m fine. I don’t know if it has something to do with food and sleep,
the weather, the relationships I’m in, or what.

Some people say that anti-depressants stifle creativity.
I think it’s just that being miserable makes it easier to write.
When I’m not being miserable I struggle for the words.
When I’m being miserable the words flow out of me
as though someone else were forming them and I am
only the conduit of expression.

Being madly in love makes it easy to write too, as I recall.
Infatuation is just the other side of depression in terms of emotion though.
They are both out of control emotions that take you to places
that you didn’t intend to go. Creativity pours out of these emotional places.
I used to think I would rather be creative but on a rollercoaster ride of emotion
than to be uncreative but reasonably stable emotionally. 
I can remember thinking this in my mid-twenties.
Fast-forward fifteen years (or so) and I gladly trade
my streams of creativity for a sense of a solid floor beneath me.
I still have those moments of passionate emotions now and again.
That is enough for me.

Some days I can feel the hands of God on my life,
more days I can’t. I think this is my doing, my reluctance
to believe in anything outside of myself, my inability to trust anyone,
my tendency to fall back into my formerly hedonistic life, where
“if it feels good, do it” rules. There is a huge chasm between
“if it feels good, do it” and “does this glorify God?” which is what
my Christian friends suggest I use as a guide to my actions.
I think I end up falling somewhere within that chasm most of the time,
wondering how I got there.

I haven’t been to church since January.
I can’t seem to make myself go if my husband doesn’t want to go.
He enjoys our church and is as awed by our pastor as I am.
(He really is THAT good… he’s inspiring, and I believe speaking the words of God.
He doesn’t promote religion, he promotes a relationship with God, with Jesus, with the Spirit or Counselor.
He doesn’t promote his church as the only answer, but he wants it to be a unifying place bringing together
those who cherish the Word, those who cherish the Spirit, and those who don’t want anything to do with
organized Religion, but still thirst for Jesus. He’s funny and real and has problems and doubts and all those things.)

He (husband) just doesn’t want to have to get up on a Sunday morning and leave the house.
And to be perfectly honest, neither do I.
There was a Saturday evening service for awhile,
but they are discontinuing that.
However, Saturday night is no better than Sunday morning.
Tuesday evening sounds pretty good.
Hey! What about Tuesday guys?? ^.~

I should probably be working instead of rambling on with my stream of consciousness writing here……. *sigh*


One response to “

  • curtin_severn

    i might beg to differ. although i understand fully how extreme emotional head spaces can influence creative writing (i know this sooo well), re-read what you wrote today. you described this beautifully and articulately. i am impressed. if this is you being objective then i say that you can write with purpose no matter what emotional space you are in. i am tempted to borrow your words….you really did a great job in expression.

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