why yes, it has been 11 days since i’ve posted. thank you for noticing. i’ve had both too much and too little to say, too much and too little time on my hands. yesterday was beautiful and sunny and 70°F and i spent exactly none of it outside. except for the hour after work that i stood out in my cul-de-sac chatting with one of my new neighbors, the only one we hadn’t met. she is 53, loves good wine and cheese, and has a pretty wicked sense of humor. i think i like her.
i also spent a short period of time outside counting jets in the hot tub that need to be replaced while my husband polished and buffed that acrylic like nobody’s business. you could eat off it. not that i would… people do put their bare butts there after all. the idea is just …ewww. this weekend we should be able to fill it back up and heat it up and sit back and enjoy it.
i have reduced one medication that i take, it’s for depression/anxiety, and damn have i noticed two differences after a week: 1) i’m nowhere NEAR as drowsy mid-day as i have been. that could also be the weather. tough call on that. 2) i am back to having trouble falling asleep because my mind is too wound up and over-active. i took a 1/2 xanax to deal with it nightly on the old regimen. i may have to up it to a whole one. spending an hour or two going over and over one thing in my mind is just obnoxious. example from last night: a good name for a dog. i want to get a golden retriever. not a puppy. i have no time to train a puppy, cute as they are. or… a lhasa apso. I know, big difference. but they are both great dogs. actually i’d like one of each, plus 2 or 3 kittens, but i think that won’t fly. anyway, i must have spent at LEAST an hour coming up with different names and the probable nicknames that would eventually arise from those names, and not wanting them to sound too much like any one of our names since calling the dog or calling me is very different and i’d like to not keep mistaking what or who is being called for. (yes, i know, horrible sentence and grammar.) but anyway, stupid stuff like that is what goes around and around in my head, and it always has for as long as i can remember until last year when they started giving me medication for anxiety after my diagnosis of “Generalized Anxiety Disorder” (to go with the long term generalized clinical depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and a borderline personality disorder. go me!!!) and suddenly for the first time in my life that i can remember, i could fall asleep in 15-30 minutes without a lot of buzzing going around in my head. i didn’t have to replay conversations (both real, imagined, and potential) over and over in my head. WOW! i could just…. fall to sleep. what an amazing gift! i’m not about to give that up too quickly.
i shall call my n.p. and see what she says about upping to one xanax a night. you know, seeing as i’d rather not end up in rehab. though, it does seem to be quite the trendy thing to do these days. britney, lindsay, etc. i could use a month off of work and housekeeping and time in support groups being introspective. i’m just betting those aren’t the only things they do, plus they are expensive.
my boss may retire in june. my other boss may not approve anyone to buy his shares. he could potentially just close up shop and become a city engineer in the city he lives in because he’s already the city engineer, he’s just a consultant instead of direct hire. so theoretically i could be out of my cushy easy-going not-too-busy well-paid for what i do but uninteresting job within the next few months. also theoretically i could just move on to another administrative assistant job. but, i’m 41 (almost – 2 weeks) and maybe it’s time to figure out what i want to do when i grow up because it sure as hell isn’t filing and answering the phone for someone else to make lots of money while i get the dregs.
i’m contemplating real estate which is something i never ever thought i’d do, but i’ve worked at real estate offices a lot in my adult life (1st as a real estate assistant for about a year, 2nd as a real estate office clerk for a summer, 3rd as real estate headquarters receptionist for 2.5 years, 4th as a real estate office receptionist for 3-4 months, and 5th in a commerical real estate office as a word processor for 3 years and then the I.T. person for the company for another 2 years) and suddenly i’m thinking about it. my mom was a real estate sales person when i got out of high school and her company moved to another state, so she got out and started a new career. but i moved off to college and then on to my own life, so i never really lived with her while she was doing it. now she lives in my adopted town but is retired. my nearby first-cousin-once-removed’s wife (i just call her my cousin) is a very successful real estate agent in the area (in a ritzy area, so she makes the bucks) and her step-son, my 2nd cousin i think is now a real estate agent in a nearby town in the metro area, so i’m still around it a fair bit.
i always said i would never, ever do sales, but that’s because i just can’t see selling someone something they don’t really need. but people need houses… they are going to buy them with or without me… the real estate agent is more of a facilitator than anything. i dunno. i’ll keep thinking about it, and i’ll have a chat with my cousin about it. see what she thinks. it’s not like i’m going to give her a run for her money. she runs in WAY higher circles than i do. but, i do know a lot of people… i belong to a large church that is also small enough that most people sort of know each other from one thing or another. anyway, like i said… more t.h.o.u.g.h.t. and investigation required.
i was going to get back into massage, but i’m not sure i can hack it. i seem to run into a lot of trouble with my arms (wrists, elbows, tendons, muscles) and those are fairly well required to be strong for massage. also requiring more thought and investigation.
i wanted to be a counselor, but frankly, i’m not sure i want to listen to people’s problems all day unless they are smart enough to see what they are doing and i just need to be a voice of reason. i am not all that patient with stupid people. (read: not at all)
we have an empty nest this weekend. oh joyous day!(s) it’s been sooo long! what to do with all the freedom!? …..
‘”O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!” He chortled in his joy.‘
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
– Lewis Carroll
i asked my husband what we were doing for easter this year.
“going to church”
one should be more specific when asking engineers (they are so literal!) the vague questions that one can answer too literally. what was my question exactly? i’m not sure, but “going to church” didn’t cover the answer.
it’s part of the answer.
are we doing anything particular for dinner? going anywhere? spending time with family? spending time alone? are we getting candy and baskets for our kids (unlikely)? for the nieces? it’s our son’s 16th birthday as well, are we doing something for that? will he be at our house or his mother’s house? it’s the weekend before my birthday, should we celebrate then if the son is at the mom’s house or wait until my birthday or the weekend after to celebrate. lots of questions were enclosed within the simple question of “what are we doing for easter this year?” and my husband answered the question quite sufficiently for what he saw as the question. it’s not his fault he didn’t see all the other questions encompassed within. he is not a mind reader last i checked. they are all questions that i could answer myself if i so chose, so i was probably looking for more of an opinion that could open a conversation, a dialogue on what we want to do as a couple, not a literal and simple answer. I was a little put out and disgruntled from the abrupt answer and then quickly realized why and let it go. it was my fault. but, it was a simple and clear example of how misunderstandings and frustrations start within a relationship and how within a moment things can go from good to bad with no one intending to start a fight. i’m glad i saw it this time and dropped it. how often do we miss it though? how often do you not see the moment when the feelings get soured and the relationships suffers, and no one knows why.
The test of observance of Christ’s teachings is our consciousness of our failure to attain an ideal perfection. The degree to which we draw near this perfection cannot be seen; all we can see is the extent of our deviation. – Leo Tolstoy
last of all….. i just hit 68 in WoW on my druid and can now fly as a bird and it is freaking SWEET and worth all the work to get there.